dreams of dreamless sleep

I haven't been sleeping well.  Waking up a lot at night, weird dreams.  I've blamed it on sobriety, but I know that is not why.

I feel an unscratchable itch to change location, to change something, to change everything.

So, how long does it take to establish a sleep schedule?  I went to bed at 9:30 last night, couldn't get to sleep for at least an hour, and come this morning at 8 (after awaking at 6:30 and going back to sleep) was exhausted and could barely pull myself out of bed.  To be honest, I get up earlier, but I wake up at the same time, right around 10:00am. 

I'm frusterated with life.  There is so much loneliness, in the deepest sense.  Not the kind of, "I'm pathetic because I don't have a girlfriend."  It actually has nothing to do with a girlfriend, at all.  It's the kind of feeling like I described in my previous post, the kind that permeates your being and your understanding that everyone dies. 

The path is long, rich, beautiful, and alone.  I attend Aikido, Zazen not just to work on myself, but because I feel a certain responsibility, as if I owe it to the world to make the world a better place. 

I carry my nightmares with me.  I am a calculator.  I think about everything; I think it all out, as much as I can.  Paranoia.  Desperate to have "seen it coming."  Control where control is entirely absent.  Control of the self?  Is that possible?  I've learned it is . . . but not with forcing.  I am a mindful animal . . . has it made a difference?  I suffer less, and I suffer. 

I always come back to the same thought: my pursuits of self-betterment, reducing suffering for not only myself but everyone, expanding awareness, learning about the self . . . all of this seems to be in direct conflict with my upbringing.  My childhood is a viscous shadow that will follow me wherever I go.  And my question is: how should my attitude towards this be? 

My shadow is like hooks in my back, embedded in my skin, pulling me backwards, drawing me to pain, but it is I who choose to suffer.  And it would be absolutely foolish to buy the idea that there is no part of me that enjoys it.  That is drawn to it. 

I bask myself in awareness, but I do not understand.  The land is crippled, bare, neglected.  And I cry for it.   But this is not to understand it.  Not to really see it. 

My shadow is a dark tree; it's roots anchor in my skin.  The more I pull away from it, the more it makes it's prescence known.  I've dreampt of the tree, and it horrifies me.  The tree must be cut.  It's center must be pierced, directly, honestly, without thought of retreat.  And so I train.

I knew the life I chose, the life of training and self-awareness,  would bring up pain; that it would make me face the darkest parts of myself.  I have the tools.  I am a righteous lumberjack. 

The road is long.  Beautiful.  Lonely.  Necessary.

Because die requests

So, long about late September to early October it starts feeling like fall.  And I must say that the past 3-4 days have felt like the beginning of fall.

I always get a particular feeling when fall begins; I could write worlds of music, paint expanses of paintings (too bad I'm not a painter) about it.  I think autumn is my favorite time of year, well, it is, no doubt about that. 

If I had to choose the words to describe the feeling, I'd say this, take the ride with me:
It's like I'm laying in a forest, except there is no ground foliage.  Instead, perhaps there is moss.  It is cool outside, let's say about for all you scientific minded; to me, it's just the perfect temperature.  It's like being as lonely as you can be, but not feeling like it's a bad thing.
I'm laying in this forest, looking up at the sky.  The trees are spaced rather far apart, and they're very large, like redwoods.   There's something about the air here.  It's like the air particles are spaced farther apart, so that my lungs feel bigger, but it's not difficult to breathe.  When I look around the woods, I cannot see the end.  But it's like a dream, because I feel like I'm on the top of a mountain.  On the mountain I feel like I could fall at any time, like god could reach down and make me fall, or carry me off in a breeze.  I imagine that it's similar to what it might feel like to fly, only I'm on the ground.  There is a distinct feeling of being out of control, it is strong even.  But I don't fight it.  I feel like a bird in a thunderstorm.  I am completely at the mercy of the storm, yet I do not fight it, and so I am safe.  Safe, and out of control.  As if in a vast openness, maybe how an astronaut feels in space, but I feel like there is no danger, even if I die.  I feel at one with things, and yet, at the mercy of things.  Out of control, and yet comfort.  There is beauty, and death . . . And they are not separate.

If I had to choose words, I would have said those.   I love the autumn with my whole being.

 
I've been thinking that I'd really like to have a job that involves being in the wilderness.  Does anyone know where I might start looking for such a job?  I was thinking maybe Canada would have an abundance of such jobs.  I don't know.  Maybe the internet can tell me, for after all, it knows all.

In answer to your answer (say THAT five times fast!)

Well, I gotta say that I don't think first impressions are very off.  The initial impression I got of this person was that she was very open, kind, she likes to laugh a lot, and very easy to talk to.  To be honest, I wasn't even sexually attracted to her. 

One of my friends mentioned, " . . . isn't she good looking . . ."  And then I looked and said, "oh yeah, I guess she is." 

So, first impressions said, it was the additional information that turned me off, such as being VERY straight edge until recently.  She's just discovering what it's like to be very drunk and she makes some not-so-good decisions while she is drunk, and then doesn't remember.  Bah!  Turns out the girl has lots and lots of guys who are interested in her (which, for some reason, I find to be an immediate turn off.  Not because I'm afraid of competition, but if there are a lot of guys who like her, and she doesn't choose any of them, I think this may mean she's a tease). 

While I don't think she would think she's a tease, I do, and that's the biggest turn off at all.  Rather two faced if I might say.  Sort of, "I'll show you affection now cause it feels good, but, by the way . . . I'm not interested in any relationship, and I'm not very good at them."  WHOA, there's yer sign!!!!

Good-bye lady.  The interesting thing is, not only am I turned off from a relationship point of view, but I really don't want to be friends with this person either.  To be honest, it does not make me feel good to be around her.  She may be a nice girl someday, but now, it seems that one of the few things she's got going for her in the relationship department is that she's good looking.

In the past I may have pursued a relationship and got a lot of suffering out of it (the masochistic side of me), but I've chosen not to do that, and instead just stick with the feeling of being incredibly disappointed because this person is not at all who I thought she was. 

Hey, thank god I found out now and not much later.  That, my friends, is a blessing.

 
I welcome comments on any current or past relationships that are remotely like this one.  It's interesting to see how people can "see what they want to see" when they want someone to be somebody that they want them to be.  Whoa, did that make sense?  That is to say, in my case, I met this person and had my impressions, and then had a model in my mind that I continually tried to fit her to, and yet she was the square peg that most certainly did not fit in the round hole.

Maybe I'm being revolutionary about this, but one of the biggest turn-offs I find is a woman who wants to display intimate affection to many different people without making any sort of committment to any of them.  I'm not talking marriage or any sort of tangible committment here, but more of an emotional one.  BIG TURN OFF.

 
On a lighter note, I've got a great date to Ben's wedding.  Go me.

Thanks for all your comments, keep 'em comin.

And I've answered my own question

So, I have a question that will hopefully be answered thoughtfully.  I met someone a few weeks ago that I really liked.  I think I wrote a bit about her.  Anyhoo, it turns out that as I got to know this person just a little, I really don't want to be around her, nor do I want to be her friend.

Does anyone else have this experience?  Meeting someone whom you like and see a lot of potential with, and then realizing that you really don't care for them at all?  Now, I understand why I liked this person, it's just that the additional information I've gathered has really turned me off.

Now that I type it out, it doesn't seem to foreign.  Respond if you like, but I guess I'm just talking about getting to know somebody.

L'oncle : randomnimityness

I am officially an uncle.  My brother's wife gave birth to their first child last thursday.  He's a hungry little guy. 
 
It's  8:11.  Just thought I should write more.
 
I'm going to my friend Ben's wedding this weekend.  I'm the best man.  I've been working on writing out my speech. 
 
I'm listening to flloyd.  Nice.
 
I drove over 500 miles this weekend.  In my uncomfortable truck. 
I'm doing it again this weekend.  uuggghh.  I was hoping for company.
 
I don't like Chicago.  As a city, it's got stuff to do, but as far as having been to many other cities, chicago can bite my duck.  That's right.
 
I'm moving out in 3 weeks if I can help it. Hoping to live with my
Aikido teacher.
 
Nicole is a big fat liar.
 
I thought alcohol brought out the truth?  Silly rabbit.
 
I cut my hair.  Well, Marcus did, but now it's a lot shorter.  I kind of miss it, but not really, cause I'm hot.
 
 
and modest.
 
that's how I like my coffee.
 
I just told the president to fuck off.   But, he probably didn't here me cause he's in D. C.
 
 
 
Keep yer powder dry.

all while smoking a roach

If I were some other place, looking at all of us, watching our leaders and the followers . . . I think I could have a good laugh. However, sometimes I look at the authority in our country and I find I feel sad for those people.

On a completely different note: I had a good saturday night. An out of the ordinary night, but a good one nonetheless.
I met the boss and got to partake in one of his finely rolled blunts, T H Deeeecilious.


This is boring, I'm out.

Jeudi: Merde, c'est le fromage ici!

9:23 --> writing this blog. I just got done with a nice warm shower, in which I was naked as I have ever been in my entire life.

I'm going to the lake tonight. Perhaps I may even go alone. By the way, if you people have not tried taking yourself out for dinner and a movie, I suggest it. Plus, you'll most likely put out later.

A reminder: drop all your plans for the next two days, cause we's partyin!

That's it, I got nothing.

Your responsibility is my friend

I think we've all had those nights where we get a bit over-zealous, and we want to get all schnockered up. And goddamnit, we want to do it fast!.

So, here's a little something to help those of us out who choose to use alcohol for the project. Read up chitlins, and apply this.

Please, if you're going to get fucked up fast, just use a bong and save the more coherent of us the trouble of babysitting you.

My compliments to my guests who were so fucked up last night, they could not move (or be moved). You didn't puke on my shit, and I respect that damn it!

the nizzy abizzy the trizzy . . . . . . bitch.

Soooo, 4th of July party here Sunday. Do give me a call before showing up if I have not directly invited you yet (cause I have special parking arrangements)

For that matter, party every night this week. Go me. BYOB. BYOW.


On a lighter note, my truck is now finished. It looks pretty good. Soon, it will be detailed, and, hopefully soon after that, it will be sold. Then, there will be a little sum'hm sum'hm


So, I'm trying out this eharmony.com thing. We'll just see how it is. It's supposed to match me with people I'm compatible with (not necessarily those that I have chemistry with). I have a feeling I'm going to find some compatible people, but I don't think it's going to be pretty.

Ahhh America, land 'o fatties. Nothing against the chunkier of us, just not me against those chunkier of us.

as they say, wahka wahka wahka.

and here I thought there was nothing to it.

I've gone skinny dipping before.

Never with a kitchen knife.

and my boobs have never gotten caught on anything.


No adventure.