Thinking of me Thinking of Myself

Skype Bust - "xxx messages not delivered yet"

2008-05-09T12:47:00.003-04:00

Skype has grown a fat hairy ass.

I have been doing a lot of research on the problem "xxx messages not delivered yet" when using Skype chat.

This problem seems to occur under the following conditions:

1) Normal use (that is, no firewall or physical firewall in the way. both people are actually online. In other words, there is no 'complete dumbass' factor

I have tried the following solutions and gotten Minimal results at best:

1)signing off and signing back on (both people)
2)updating skype
3)reinstalling skype
4)calling the contact I am chatting with.

I have looked through multiple threads and every one says that this problem started in the past few weeks, which is when it started for me, too. This is a recent Skype phenomenon, and it seems that the Skype network may have reached saturation. Time to bust out the old busted messenger that you hoped you'd never have to use again.

Come on Skype! At least give us an official post that this problem is being worked on. Or is it so crippling that you just want to make your last few bucks before your network blows up in your 'I haven't any idea what forethought is' faces?

Keep the Bitter Bones and Take Calcium

2007-07-02T13:09:00.000-04:00

I've gone native.

I guess this is it. It's been a sweet drama.

Tim Ohlers, the Best of Manhattan Grounds

2007-03-28T20:44:00.000-04:00

Is a fantastic musician who plays Wednesday evenings at Manhattan grounds.

He plays folk and jazz, and sometimes a clittle classic rock, but we prefer the jazz, the folk, and the tea.

The Grounds is pretty typical in the way of customers and staff. The owner at Manhattan Grounds is exceptional. She treats her customers very well, works hard to have a nice place.
The staff isn't much to speak of, you'd be lucky to have a good conversation if you can even get them to talk to you, but that's not what they're there for. They're there to make great coffee, hot tea, and be rude enough to you that you know you're not at a bar.

As far as customer base goes . . . strange strange strange! Tweaked, spiked, sweating for rest kind of maniacs. Granted, no stranger than any other coffee house crowd. Maybe i'm just referring to Toledoans and not just the Grounds' customer base. More snobbish than chronic, compulsive, and "right" jazz fans. I'd say i'm one of them, and have have been on a handful of occassions, but I'm just too chill.

Which brings me back to Tim Ohlers. A fine musician and person. One who appreciates gets appreciation. From me, anyway.

On a completely different note: Would anyone have any insight as to why i get along better with older women than young women. Older women think I'm a heartbreak, and that the girls must go crazy over me. The girls would prefer to have nothing to do with me, maybe not me personally, but my at least in my direction. My guess is that most of these women have lived a while and can see quality when it's there, and the other is that it's because there's no possibility of sex, so they can be open with their affection/kindness.

I don't know what it is, but I could go on a date with a 42 yr old this weekend, no problem. May age? I don't even know any women my age.

almost 26 and I can't wait to be older. Then maybe the women my age won't be such dumb bitches.

severe progress

2007-03-22T21:49:00.000-04:00

I realize that you could just respond, "hey, jackie, you're in toledo.

and you suck."

But I caution you to hesitate while you pause a moment.

But seriously, where are all the quality people here. Where do they hang out?
See, I know there's cool people in toledo, I've met some and am one of them, but I tell you, I just don't meet many.

People who:
are not consumed with consumerism
are awake, or wake up regularly, or semi-annually
appreciate a finely rolled J
are connected to their environment
eat well
go to sleep at night and do things during the day
play hacky-sack
play foosball
have a decent or semi-mainstream music taste
intelligent and can actually hold a conversation
don't dominate a conversation
listen, at least some of the time
appreciate their bodies, and use them
generally pay attention to what they are doing.

Are there more people like this in toledo?

I tell you, most new people I meet, especially women, think immediately that since I'm interested in them that I want to fuck them, or want a relationship. Get over yourself. And the men, wow, what tough guys. Enjoy some humility just every once in a while.

I don't drink, I smoke pot, and i'm no tree-hugger
I play yoga, I play video games
I work out, I go out
I rest when it's time to rest and wake up in the mornings
I listen, and get better at it all the time, really listening
I'm kind to my cat
I clean my apartment
I've grown my hair long, but not ratty
I eat well but I'm not a vegetarian, and thank god for that

Companionship, that is something. That is something.
My cat gives companionship. In so I realize that one really needs it from their own species. I have good friends, none of which share my lifestyle, but still we are able to live and have fun together.
It seems to me that we as humans choose to be so poor, emotionally and spiritually running around in our own fantasies. I know, because I've done it too.

So wake up!

Wake up Toledo people, I won't be here long

Wake up Toledo people, neither will you.

The finger points to the moon . . .

Maybe if we just EASE it in

2006-10-24T16:41:00.000-04:00

I'm working on an "only post once every 4 months."

The more I think about it, the more I realize that nobody reads this, and that I don't really give a crap about posting here anymore.
Yet I can't bring myself to delete this blog, as it's been with me for 2 1/2 years.

I recently completed my second voyage to China. This one involved a lot more being sick, a lot less of going out and drinking, and more wanting to come home. I tell you, it's the business aspect of it. If I just went by myself (given language proficiency) I would have an f'ing blast!

That was a while ago. I think that I've just been schmoozing since then. Although I did get to see TOOL in concert, twice. that was exceptional, although I must say that the Lateralus tour jingled my berries while this concert series was merely a walk through the orchard. With clothes ON mind you!

Did you know that we've outlawed the naked human body!? I can actually be arrested for being naked. Absolutely phenominal. I can understand being naked around could be considered taboo and socially unacceptable . . . but should you actually go to jail?

The answer, undeniably, is yes.

And it's because you suck, and everybody knows it.

oh big brother, you never call anymore . . .

Homoswaptual

2006-06-09T13:14:00.000-04:00

So, I have no internet, and to be honest, I don't really like posting. Who cares!?

Yes, that's right, all of you.

When it comes down to it, you could wake up next to these two.
Mini-Quiz:
Just how drunk would you have to be?

answer on next post . . .

By the way, the internet is the downfall of us all. Mass communication of information on a worldwide scale ultimately brings unity of thinking. Chaos theory and some evolution theory say that when a species lacks diversity, it ultimately extincts. In the human case, our physical evolution has slowed down drastically, so that leaves behavioral evolution. If we all start behaving the same way and lose the diversity that actually strengthens a species . . . well, pick your favorite disaster.

In short, 90% of what you read on this information highway is wrong. Just plain inCOrrect.

And then there was love . . .

Bunny at the bottom, snatch

2006-04-12T16:37:00.000-04:00

Well, I don't feel that bad; it seems everybody is lacking the old postings on the old blogger . . . ings.

For the update: I've started working with Jack at NH. It's been a month already (granted not every single day yet) and I still like the job. Bonus! Having a job like this makes me see the instant necessity for some nutrition classes.
All in all, dig the job (which is something new) . . . if you all want nutritional consultation/analysis, you know where to look.

On a brighter note, like 150W, it's "spring" in Toledo. Spring being the 3 days of 50-60 degree weather that intersperses pangs of sweltering humidity and nut-yanking cold. For the last few years I've noticed the vanishing of the seasons and we seem to be coming to a 6/6 month winter summer cycle. What a bitch. I think that makes reason no. 46 to leave Toledo. But, alas, that's my one and half year program.

On a brighter note, 175W, Don sold me his motorcycle for a whopping $1.00000000. *added accuracy for IRS dogs. Oooo, this is public blog . . . I love IRS. Special.

My goodness gosh there really isn't more to tell. Shucks ma'am.

But hey, here's some shit . . .

Sweeeeet . . . . . . .

The world is not ending . . .

Things that are Ghey!:

2006-02-19T16:38:00.000-05:00

chafed nuts

better pecan tofutti - yuck!

MKD lighters

Sylvania police (NO! I love you more!)

50 degree temperature difference in two days

shwag

Blog.

Look at my 'Innuendo'

2005-11-28T17:47:00.000-05:00

Well, Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

My holidays went well; had dinner at my place with my rents & B. Made another fabulous potroast (although the first one was a shite better because I made it spicier. God I love it spicy. Jesus loves it spicy. No coicidences on this blog)

Storm beat the bombers saturday night. Among the attendees in the audience were some fat guy, east siders, and six drunken idiots. One of the players on Toledo's team likes to fight a lot, but he always kind of sucks. Soooo . . .

On a different note, having a Zendo as a living room makes interesting having people over who are used to a lot of entertainment. You're forced to be creative at this point, and I kind of like that about the empty space.
Filling the vacuum.

That's what the kids are calling it these days . . .

I am NOT talking about current events

2005-11-19T10:19:00.000-05:00

I heard on the radio just . . . mmm, yesterday I want to say . . . that a lot of republicans are thinking about how to repair the U. S. in the post-Bush apocalypse that has been, and will be his second term.

I came to a troubling realization (that I'm surprised has escaped me for this long) . . . Bush didn't win the popular vote either time he ran for office, and that makes me sad.

Anyway, the housewarming is tonight. I think I'm going to go ahead and splurge and get sushi. I'll be all drunk on sake tonight, and that's exciting.

Not here, but still cliche

2005-11-15T15:56:00.000-05:00

I know, long time.

Anyway . . . I'm all moved into my new apartment, and it's interesting adjusting to life there. To clarify, it's more like it's interesting to have surrounded myself in a place that represents the style of life I like, yet I choose not to live that life.

Just noticing that and trying to get accustomed to the whole thing. I haven't spent much time alone there yet . . . work and social life . . .

Been ill a lot this fall. I wonder what that's all about. I think perhaps it's something unconscious trying to come out, cause there has been a lot of emotional intensity lately, as well. I'd rather not get into it over blog.

Suffice it to say I am doing well, and that life seems to be flowing smoothly. The only problems are on the inside (I guess that could be expected in most circumstances). Thinking of starting Berglarian analysis again. And making regular visits to Aikido.

My alexander technique teacher suggested that I might consider teacher training up in ann arbor. It's 5 days a week for 3 hours for 3 years. I kind of want to if I can work out some logistical issues.

Best wishes to everyone. I don't have the internet anymore, so I'll only update this when I visit my folks or somebody who's got the net.

Namaste.

Konichiwa bitches

2005-10-17T18:17:00.000-04:00

Not much planned here . . . just a spew.

I got a letter from Germany, from a girl I dated 5 years ago. It's not out of the blue. Nice to hear from her. Lots of feeling about it. None of the words.

Working at Claudia's has been good. My feet get sore though, not real bad, just annoying. Making money is good, getting the energy out is good. Meeting new people is good. Veronica is bad. That's all for mags.

I'm in a calm place now, but it's like being in the eye of a hurricane (not that I've ever really been in one) in that my center is calm, but everything is simultaneously in turmoil.
I caught myself asking for a break today, to no one at all. Just out loud. I think the most difficult thing about romance is not romance itself, but how you think about it. Hard to have intensity of emotion and remain centered. I guess that would apply to just about anything that has exceptional intensity. Thing is, with an asana, you can always back off it a little. Feelings seem to be in one mode, full force.

I have this feeling like being in a mirror room . . . not really sure which way is which and what is real and what I'm adding to the experience. So much confusion and a feeling of instability. I hope that it all calms down after I move out of this house. I wish that it would calm down now.

I am attracted to wonderful people. With spice, compassion, tenderness. But I am blank, confused, smiling, unsure, intense.

This is but one place. I think I know me, but I haven't the faintest clue. In some way that is very comforting. Just not to know.

I see others running their lives, and I see me running my life. And it's like it's just about the moments. There are these peaceful or connected moments, and then they vanish, and then they come back again. And it's worth it to stay alive for the moments.

I wish I were stronger so that I could practice more. Moreso, I wish I were willing to do the things required to be stronger. I guess, in short, I wish I had different desires. A paradox, of course, and the the problem presents itself. Not in the desires, but the attachment to them. Damn it! It always seems to come down to that.

Gassho, mutherfucks.

Damn am I SICK!

2005-10-07T11:02:00.000-04:00

see title.

There and Back Again

2005-10-03T21:03:00.000-04:00

So it's been about a week. What has been going on . . .

I started a "new" job at Claudia's. It's been 3 years since I worked there, but everything seems to be coming back to me. Kind of like a never left . . . but in a good way. Although some of the work isn't mentally challenging, it gives me a good opportunity to focus on my breath and body and practice some technique. I find it pretty enjoyable.
Applied for an apartment. *crossing fingers*
Got up at 6am this morning and actually was alseep for a long time before that. I think that's the first time I've been up at 6 without staying up from the previous night in a long time. I can't help but find it a little depressing driving to work with my lights on. Stupid Sun . . . and gravity.
Got a membership at the boathouse. All I have to do is turn in my $$ and death waiver. Can't wait to get back on the water. The whole month of it! >:{p

I reckon that's about it for updates. Things are seeming to go well now, and I think that living a life that is a bit more harmonious is within reach . . . if it's something you can reach. I guess more within living feasibility.

Shut up.

I enjoy spending time with people I enjoy.

Insight from Movement

2005-09-27T17:13:00.000-04:00

I just got home from an Alexander Technique lesson. It was one of those more challenging lessons today, partially because I didn't particularly want to go. The kind of lesson that you end up getting a lot out of . . .

So much resistance today, unconscious resistance. And I looked at it. And I feel like I had a moment, and was able to see life a bit differently. And this is how:

I realize that I have forgotten what it felt like to be a child, not just in my body, but everything. I only realize this because the AT reminds me of how it felt to move as a child, effortlessly. I had a lot of images of small children running in a playground, so easy, their torso's so strong, not collapsing into their legs.

I can't believe it's been so long since that kind of movement came effortlessly. And I feel like I have some insight into humans, and how we are when we lose that movement. When the noise starts to be heard in our joints, and our spines get weak.

I was in Gilda's yesterday afternoon and there were a few old men in their, one of which (vern) was talking with the bartender (who was also really old). Bartender asked Vern if he was doing all right, or whatever, and Vern says that he's on his pills now. And I glanced over to see the Vern's shaggy profile, and he looked to me . . . oh, how do you say, he looked different. Like if you said, "There's a shaggy old man sitting to your left, describe him without looking at him," well, I would have described all the talk-about-able features of his appearance, but I would not have captured the experience in the skin and eyes, the subtleties of personality coming out in the body, the story that gets told without saying a word. I might have missed it.

And it occurred to me how you can complain about a lot of things like the government, or healthcare, or media mind numbing, or lies and deceit, or how people don't take care of themselves . . . but you might miss it all if you get to stuck on the words. When I looked at Vern I saw that he thought these pills were expected . . . not in the sense that it is natural to take pills or "normal" per se, but that he may look at himself, and know the number of his age, and say it's expected that a man my age would have to take some drugs, would need to rely on some pills to get by. But he formed that idea a LONG time ago.

I also see this in my own interest in a recent relationship. There was a lot of emotional blocking going on, trying to save myself from realizing what I believe to be keen insight. Not a particularly painful insight, but I thought it would be. It's like when you hear the whole story, when you find out the bigger picture of what's going on, and you have some insight into the way people operate . . . . the way people's unconscious minds control their lives without them even knowing, and to see it in yourself.
It gives me so much freedom, and I fight it because there's no control . . . just awareness.
But I find that I am not resentful, and that (And here's a BIG one for me) I can let my love go, that I don't even have to hang on to that feeling, which is supposed to be such a desirable feeling.

I've been practicing recently whenever something comes up (anything like thoughts, feelings, desires, fantasies), whenever these things come up I actively practicing letting them go. And that means getting out of the way, not holding on, giving these things freedom to live and then die on their own. It takes a particular amount of realization and faith that these thoughts won't kill you or hurt you. I let them go their own way, but I come back to my breath.
It was tempting for a long time just to try to let the "bad" things go. But I find that that is an incomplete practice, and you never really get anywhere if you attach to good things and then say you should be unattached to bad things.

I let go of loneliness, tension, deep affection, calm, frustration, misunderstanding, genuine love.
And here I am, right here, where the breath is. And there is motion, so subtle you can miss it your whole life. I let go of trying to make the world and people the way I think they should be. There is no way of showing people what they don't want to see.
So instead I go to the park, talk with nature, and take care of myself.

People call me selfish. They might think that I don't care about them. It is not true. Instead, it is more of an acknowledgement of my own limitations, my own ability to remain centered in any given situation. I prefer my own company, but others may take it personally.

I have reached out, and been met with pain of years past. It seems whenever I reach I lose my balance, and there isn't a hand to keep me from falling. So I stop reaching so far. It is not out of spite but of acknowledgement of my limitation, after all you can only lean so far backward without falling. As far as I can reach is enough, and it may not be much.

I guess, suffice it to say, I'm learning what it is like to take care of yourself. And it really means learning about yourself, and then forgetting yourself. Loving someone else then comes naturally after that, and from a centered place, from a strong foundation.

Gassho.

What a gift it is to be able to feel everything SO strongly, and to be able to give it freedom, to get out of the way, give it life . . . like a child. Letting go is every day. Ordinary.

Opening

2005-09-24T17:18:00.000-04:00

As I dreampt this morning:

I had long hair again. What a pleasant surprise. I do miss my long hair. I remember that my hair was in my face, like I sometimes liked to play with, and there was a voice coming from close by. Interesting that I would not let myself see who was speaking.

And angry voice, full of contempt. It said something to the effect of, "who would want to be with someone with such a bad mind, with such a sad man. Who would want to be around the mind that wants to see nothing but negativity. Idiot!"

Like a knife in my chest, the words pierced my dream body. So much contempt. I remember wanted to fight that voice in my head, and make excuses, and say NO, it can't be that way.

So when I woke up and realized that I was fighting something that did not really exist in the outside world . . . well, I had an enlightened moment. It's like realizing that there is no one there to yell at you, no one there to put you down . . . . so you do it yourself. Because it's familiar? Because it's habitual. Because that's what you're used to.

I remember my Aikido teacher telling me something once, that when you do this kind of work (purifying, harmonious kind of work, doesn't matter if it's martial, but it is an art) you'll find that things will just start happening for you. It is true.

Today I went to EJ's Volleyball game and I practiced just sending a good feeling out there to the girls on the court. Needless to say they ended up destroying Miami U. 3-0. Damn girls! You guys rock. I noticed that to send your feeling (ki) seems better to me than clapping and yelling and objecting to penalties. I like it better; I feel engaged and connected. And that's kind of what I'm talking about . . .

If I feel disconnected perhaps the problem is not outside of me, in this town, with my friends. After all, Sensei says our problems are never outside of us. I think that's true, but you can only really get something from it if you see the depths, and Realize it!

How often I am convinced that my problems are outside myself, and how easy it is to assign blame, especially when you feel very strongly about something.

When I look to the inside, I am connected. When I take care of myself, I am always well cared for. When I see what is, I am not a stranger. As I walk on the earth, and feel the textures with my feet, everything takes me, like an aimless wave in the ocean, the way of things carries me, and I am close.

It's like Ukemi (the art of receiving force). When you get upset that you are falling, when you fight the force that is given to you, you get hurt. Is it better to be standing then on the ground? Better to have both feet on the ground then hurled through the air?

It's like, if you stop hating what's happening, then maybe you can be open to it. Maybe see it differently. When you see it differently . . .

Everything changes.

Gassho.

It's such a relief not to know. Not to be certain. Not to be static, and finished.

Notice

2005-09-21T13:53:00.000-04:00

Any comments that are not in the spirit of open conversation, but only serve to verbally abuse someone will be removed from the site. No bans, no reprimands, no discussion. Just axed.

Myself will be making a conceited effort to STFU when necessary, as well, so it's not exclusive, just universal.

No Bad Blood on My Site.

More adventures for the sense of Self

2005-09-21T01:51:00.000-04:00

I had what I guess you could call a humbling experience tonight. One of my friends basically told me all the things he had a problem with about me. I respect you for this. Not ignoring, but entering straight in. Irimi. To my surprise, I found this conversation to be quite enlightening. It seems like he was describing a person that I don't know, that is all made up.

I have not realized how much my living situation is affecting me. And NEGATIVELY at that. I don't blame people for not wanted to be around me. I am sad to see that the abuse that I experienced as a child is manifesting itself in my current life, or that it has anyway, and that I propogate it. But at this point I am open, and I have nothing to lose . . . . . . . just illusions.

This time, this is no turning back. Changes need to be made. I've gotten fed up enough that it's worth it.

How sad I am to see there is nothing for us . . .

And I am here, breathing

2005-09-19T15:19:00.000-04:00

Today, I feel shrink-wrapped. A layer of psycho-nulling-plastic surrounding my whole body, a second helping of general malaise.

Mike says disassociation. Such a big word.

I don't feel far away, just not real.

I had lovely dreams last night. They were not real after I woke early this morning. I was disappointed. I have a stomach ache, but it's in my whole body.

Sitting with mike I say, "I feel disbelief when I look at my life. Neutral, not like it's bad. But all the little nuances . . . I just am disbelieving what I see."

Always wanting to do. Do something about something. I have nothing to do, nothing to give. Where did my vitality go? It's beautiful today.

Everything seems very loud to me. I am a full cup. Full of mud.
I kind of miss mud. Being in it, the texture, how it cools you off.

Just disbelief.

I watch the happenings in my life, and everything seems fake. Like watching a puppet show, remarkably so. All the lines feel scripted and predictable. My reactions, illusions, feelings, over-reactions . . . all seems predictable, planned out. Interesting feeling.

I feel like I'm pushing on a mountain, fully believing that if I push hard enough, or right enough then I can move it. Ignoring the timber. Ignoring the smell.

How have I come to this place?

Hanging on, pretending I have something to lose. Hanging on to her. Desperately pretending I have something to lose.

For me, I paint the world.
But do not live in it.
For me, I make the plans;
good intentions.

Wisdom is not the Way.
Silence,
echoes of the birds,
wind through the trees.
Laying on the sand.

I miss hugs that last too long.
I call it nothing, experience.

Romance is made up, for me.
A memory that I am not sure existed.
I remember the surface,
depths too frightening, and no help from the other.

I remember what her words were, of course.
And today I find them patronizing.
They've gone into my mind, and mixed with the filth,
corrupted, scathing, showing so much contempt.

And I am here, breathing.
That's all I've got to offer.

Wasting time

2005-09-18T13:53:00.000-04:00

It's far easier to get angry than to understand what my Miller post meant. Suddenly there was an argument of which number the commandment is "thou shalt honor thy mother and father", and everything was lost in intellectual masturbation.

What a post. Not even a mention of the subject matter and 18 comments. Failed.

I'll take some time to see if I want to keep this blog going.

On a lighter note, it seems to be a beautiful Sunday, I'm racked with dissappointment, and am wallowing in my own sense of self-pity. ha HA!

I think maybe I'll go to the park today . . . reconnect a bit . . . let all the bullshit melt off my skin.

Steering clear of the MD's, lest they pump me full of feel-good drugs. Not that that would be all bad . . . just not helpful.

Wow, I feel truly American . . . as I'm typing I have this intense overlay of worry that I just might be offending someone.

And now . . . for something Completely different

2005-09-16T19:24:00.000-04:00

It goes up.

and then . . .

it goes down.

You know, I think if the federal government wants to regulate our lives, maybe they could do it in more helpful ways. For instance, who is letting these people breed!?
Would you not politely bow out for the parenthood license if it meant that when you're riding your bike up to school, and you see a really fat woman getting her mail with her child (although the child has its head turned), and then the child turned around, and you're hit with the kind of ugly you haven't dreamed of . . . . regulate that Bush!

Oh and I love double entendres. But not french.

From now on, I'm letting Banderas say it all for me.

It's Nice to Know you're Following Along

2005-09-13T16:47:00.000-04:00

So, there was quite a delay . . . Much and yet not much as happened . . . mostly just internal adventures. But, as promised, here is your Psychoburrito. Roll those R's dammit!

:

I've been reading a lot of Alice Miller lately, a Swiss psychologist. She has very interesting views on how childhood trauma takes place and what the immediate and distant effects of this trauma. In her book The Body Never Lies, which I'm currently reading, she questions the validity of imposing the 4th Commandment. Being as how the 10 commandments and morality are so twisted and fused into our culture and thought, I find that she's saying something meaningful here. So, I'm offering up a couple of quotes for you guys to chew on for a while, then let's see what kind of cud we've got . . .

"The tradition of sacrificing children is deeply rooted in most cultures and religions. For this reason it is also tolerated, and indeed commended, in our western civilization. Naturally, we no longer sacrifice our sons and daughters on the altar of God, as in the biblical story of Abraham and Isaac. But at the birth and throughout their later upbringing, we instill in them the necessity to love, honor, and respect us [their parents], to do their best for us, to satisfy our ambitions -- in short, to give us everything our parents denied us. We call this decency and morality . . . all their [childrens'] lives, they will force themselves to offer their parents something that they neither possess nor have any knowledge of, quite simply because they have never been given it: genuine, unconditional love that does not merely serve to gratify the needs of the recipient. Yet they will continue to strive in this direction because even as adults they still believe that they need their parents and because, despite all the disappointments they have experienced, they still hope for some token of genuine affection from those parents.

. . . The strange idea of having to love God so that He does not punish me for my rebelliousness and disappointment, but instead rewards me with the love that forgives all, becomes just as much the expression of our childish dependency and insecurity as the assumption that, like our parents, God is in desperate need of our love. But is this not a completely grotesque idea? A higher being dependent on inauthentic feelings dictated by morality is strongly reminiscent of the insecurity displayed by our frusterated and disoriented parents. Such a being can be called God only by people who have never questioned their own parents or thought about their dependency on them."
-Alice Miller, The Body Never Lies

Daaaaeeeom Alice! Damn! She's bold, not for the squeemish.

For anyone looking to actually read one of Alice's books, I highly recommend starting with The Drama of the Gifted Child. It's an amazing! book.

Some gifts:

check out this portrait.

And here's another cool Aikido action shot, Kokyu Nage (Breath Throw)!

Patience

2005-09-07T01:43:00.000-04:00

I'll post something new soon. I've got just the thing for you guys to sink your teeth into.

Attachment to Injustice

2005-08-29T03:07:00.000-04:00

Irimi: <----click
To enter into an attack, without the thought of escape.

Commentary: For me, the most appealing of Aikido's beauties has been its applicability to all facets of life. When confronted with a shomen sword strike (a cut starting at the top of the forehead and ending at the groin), one can move to the right, left, back or permutations thereof, and will most certainly die. A seeming irony and paradox is that the safest place to go (and truly the only way to survive the attack) is to enter directly into the attacker, inevitably entering inside the lethal range of the weapon, throwing the attacker off balance, and reconfiguring his relationship with the ground.

To fully realize Irimi in daily life is to live in a way of intimacy with fear. To cut through the bullshit. Jumping into the abyss, centered, breathing, and therefore safe.
On the surface it appears ironic that the safest place is actually to fully commit yourself to entering in. In practice, it makes perfect sense. Irimi produces an unmistakable impression of reality on the mind.

How might we enter into the problems of our lives?

Without a thought of escape.

Gassho.

I'm ready . . .

Fall Nose

2005-08-28T00:17:00.000-04:00

Font: Dig it.
Took the bike out to Secor park today and had just a grand 'ol time laying in the grass and uncomfortably reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I've read the book once already; it's been long enough.

One of my favorite things is to lay out in the grass or on the beach and feel the wind blow over my body. It always seems to "take me back." I have some vague notion/feeling of fall when I lay there. Which brings me to my next story:

Every fall, around the time that it just barely starts to cool off and the leaves say, "hey guys, bout time to get ridda all this green! Bitches!", I get what reminds me of an olfactory memory. Cept it's not so much the smell of fall (although it helps) which reminds me. Thing is, I'm not sure exactly what it reminds me of except all the other autumns I've ever experienced. I'm curious about the experience: it always gives me a pleasant and relaxed feeling, but the feeling is also vacant, empty, and alone. I always look forward to autumn, and it always seems to pass far too fast. Something about being in the woods in the fall that instills a sense of quiet and stillness. I wonder if it's kind of like a "death" that the environment undergoes before winter. I wondered today if, when my own death is here, I will feel the same way.

To me, thoughts of death seem very overwhelming. But as it were, it's always so hard when thinking about something, and so easy when you actually do it. And it is. I hope that death is something that I will do well.

Went to a party @ jake's last night. Met jake for the first time. It was a decent enough party, nice place, seemingly good people. Not my scene. I experienced so many parties like that one in my own college experience . . . nothing new there. Going to the party assuaged my thought that I should go out and "be social," but after being there for some time and getting buzzed enough, I'm glad that I didn't feel obligated to stay and the quiet at my own home after the party is what was really appealing about the whole evening.
Ideally, I'd like to go out to parties like that, or out on the town and get my fill (and it seems my fill has gotten a lot shorter) and then be able to go to a nice, quiet, peaceful home, and enjoy the company of someone that I care for. That sounds just grand.

I'm a gardner, dig it?

still waiting . . .

Lucida is in bed with my Blog

2005-08-25T13:37:00.000-04:00

georgia arial Courier Lucida Grande Times Trebuchet Verdana Webdings.

Looks like Lucida wins.

I went for a fine run yesterday evening. Sun setting over the prairie, cool breeze. I warm up through the prairie almost every time I go to Wildwood, and almost as many times I see deer hangin' out there. What is our fascination with deer? I'm drawn to just gape there like an idiot like everybody else . . . is it because they're elusive?

It's been a quick week, and one that I will be eager to end. Such a joy with the stink of cool weather. And it's getting hot again. Too bad. Toledo heat . . . no likey.

I hate falling asleep in the laz-e-boy. I wake up feeling like ass. I hate falling asleep to TV as well. So invasive.

Had cool dreams this morning. Dreampt I was some sort of hideous queen-bug thing that represented an amalgamation of the Queen Alien, and some episode of Futurama. I was trying to escape, and going rediculously slow (of course), with a giant abdomen full of eggs (like queen alien). After I was relieved of my egg sac, I noticed that I had to instruments with which to help my escape (I also had some bug drones to help, but they looked a whole lot like people. I wonder if bugs have dreams of people that act like bugs? Ewwww). One of the instruments scanned my field of view with and intense, flat beam of light that they called a "laser". It was like Magnetic resonance or something, and the other one seemed to be an infared scanner. Cool shit.

Anyway, my point: I was eating some sort of animal meat (like a Really-big-chicken-leg) and then there were a bunch of apes running through what looked like a Day of Defeat map. One saw me, and the fucking King Monkey took my meat. Bitch. Is that Freudian?

let's hope so.

In what I Believe to be More Real

2005-08-23T12:23:00.000-04:00

I took a medium sized motorcycle ride last night. Down to Secor park . . . the sun had receded behind the trees so my aspirations of falling asleep in it while letting the breeze relax my body didn't come through, so I kept riding. I was on my way back to Sylvania, through the countryside, sun setting over the fields . . . I had my helmet open because of a scratched facemask, and I'm glad. So many smells. I don't think they were the smells of autumn, but I was assaulted with memories on the way back. Memories of being small. Running under trees and smelling wood burning from a distance. The smells of random homes. Smells that don't have words attached to them, but the kind of smells I know that families smell every day, unaware that the scent is always with them until they leave for a time, and then return. It was lovely, and awful.

And I feel so lost. Not the kind of lost when panic sets in . . . the moment you realize you're lost. But instead well into being lost, like you've been lost for hours, come to accept it, come to see the depths of it, but still shy of being at peace . . . still the feeling of alienation. Like nightime, but the sun will not rise. Eyes that have gotten so used to the dark, the light is too painful . . . I close my eyes.

Penetrating honesty . . . to me, is healing.

I wonder what it would look like if I was drawn to a woman who was available. What would that look like? I see the same drama being played out. Attracted and attached to unavailable women, and then I get to reject them. And feel powerful, and not so helpless. I think that if I just talk with these women, and come to an understanding, then they'll be available. And I am good at talking, and I use all my experience at my disposal . . . and I think I can be very helpful. But . . .
It does not give to me.

It does not work. I thought that it would be healing to just realize that my current relationship endeavor will not work out, through no fault of my own. But it is not enough. Penetrating honesty . . . I have been drawn to unavailable women my whole life. Acting out a childhood drama that has been gone for over 20 years. But it lives in me. And it is true that I am full of love and affection. That is a wonderful thing. But I sometimes see it as a bitter irony . . . to be so loving, and to consistently choose women whom are unable to return it, through no fault of their own.

To me, there are no real "maybe's", "someday's", "time may bring us together's", "we'll see's". The reality of it is too obvious . . .

Why pretend?

I think it is more real, more honest just to say, "it is our misfortune; we are not capable of being together now." And the sigh of relief . . . . . . .
And I am in the present.

It is my misfortune. It is my hope that if and when I have children, I can be available to them. This pain must stop with me.

Gassho.

The air is still today.

Humility

2005-08-22T12:33:00.000-04:00

Life is continually interesting, and if you let it, it will prove you wrong. I'm beginning to notice the tendencies of my own perception in regards to romantic relationships. It is very easy to write them off, with complete rejection. Utter denial. How foolish.

I am, however, refreshed to know that I am still full of love, and affection. And it's irresistible to me. And I realize that I want it in return. There is something very beautiful about two people offering each other affection freely.

It takes more courage that we give it credit.

I realize that when I view romantic relationship . . . I often associate a need to feel ok with myself, a sense of peace, safety, contentment. And I also think that that has nothing to do with romantic relationship. I find these things in my practice. I walk into the dojo, and I feel naked. I belong there.

It is important to separate the feeling of self-worth and vitality from the feelings that come up when being fond of another. Vitality. I want to bring that to my relationships.

When you do this . . . you find that many people do not have the courage for vitality. Enjoy it when you find one who does.

I'll close with a quote from Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child. I think y'all may be seeing more of these:

"The true opposite of depression is neither gaiety nor absence of pain, but vitality -- the freedom to experience spontaneous feelings. It is part of the kaleidoscope of life that these feelings are not only happy, beautiful, or good but can reflect the entire range of human experience, including envy, jealousy, rage, disgust, greed, despair, and grief.
But this freedom cannot be achieved if its childhood roots are cut off. Our access to the true self is possible only when we no longer have to be afraid of the intense emotional world of early childhood. Once we have experienced and become familiar with this world, it is no longer strange and threatening. We no longer need to keep it hidden behind the prison walls of illusion. We know now who and what caused our pain, and it is exactly this knowledge that gives us freedom at last from the old pain."

Gassho.

we are fortunate . . .

Confirmed

2005-08-21T22:08:00.000-04:00

Had I the ability to be a whole person without any sort of sexual desire or drive or romantic interest, I would sign up for that shit. Ellen might say that I just don't have a very good understanding of that interest. And I would probably agree with her. It's just that it seems to get me into more trouble than good stuff.

Oh well, at least I'm not generalizing women. To be honest I've really only been involved with a small number, so it wouldn't be fair to say any blanket statements.

It just boggles my fucking mind that two people can seem very good for each other . . . but there's nothing. It's happened before, on a few occasions. On to the next . . .

I have this vague feeling that I'm not seeing something. Just a whisper.

Happy Surprise

2005-08-21T15:08:00.000-04:00

Went to a party last night with Mondo. A bit of a get together with a friend whom I haven't seen in a couple months. Wore my bibs and tie dye -- lookin sexay. I think we lasted for about an hour and 15, being the sober pair. I sat in a reasonably comfortable recliner, watching everyone prepare their beers, smoke their cigarettes, and anticipate shwag. This was a different experience that I've had in a LONG time. I looked at the festivities and they were playing one of my favorite drinking games (closely bordering e, r, san).

And nothing . . . no desire to participate, just the thought that I could, and the memory that I used to.

The awareness that I wasn't getting much from being there seethed into my consciousness. I wanted to enjoy it, and I wanted to have fun. But . . .

Looking around at all the faces. You can see the drugs pull at the muscles. The general glaze of poisoned contentment. What a friend that used to be.

But where was the desire? Where was the difficulty? I imagine that some people in my situation might think they were getting old and boring . . . all I really wanted to do was curl up in bed, preferably with a warm, sleeping body beside me. That sounded like a good Saturday night. So I watched, and I looked at Armando . . .

and we just sat there looking at each other.

I wanted to say to him, "hey, I'm done. Let's bolt." But I felt a bit obligated to stay given that he drove and gas prices have their fuck machines doing double shifts. So I didn't say anything until he told me the urge to smoke was getting to him. Easy out, and I took it. It was surprisingly easy to say goodbye, and nobody really seemed to miss us, or notice we were there in the first place.

For the first time in a long time I didn't feel like I was missing out on something, like somehow, maybe this time I would get what I needed from these people. Connection, intimacy. It is not there. "We're gonna get retarded." And I imagine that's what they did. Not bad, not good, just a choice. But those clothes don't fit me any more.

To be honest I didn't want to go to the party in the first place, but I wanted to see Chris.

So, I guess I'm not sure what to say about it. So much anxiety has vanished, and I don't really want to smoke or drink at all. It's weird, and new, and old, and satisfying . . . all at the same time.

I've known for a long time that the life I need to live will probably leave many of my friends behind. You're welcome to come along . . . but there are no comprimises. Thanks for all the years of getting f'ed up. We had good times. That life is dead for me, making room for new, larger life.

Gassho.

irish rage

2005-08-20T11:51:00.000-04:00

xanga sucks my butt. There's like zero freedom in code editing. Not diggin it. Even though I am a code virgin, I appreciate that it's there. This will remain my main blog spot. yuck yuck yuck. And, yes Will, there WILL be music.

oh, you can cut the puns with a rusty shelayley.

Possible relocation

2005-08-18T12:57:00.000-04:00

I think that I may switch all my blogging to my new Xanga site. It's a pretty sweet deal. I mean, I get to have Music on my site! Check it out here.

We'll see how it works out. Maybe I can get a good posting program on it, cause theirs, like blogger's, sucks butt.

In the bad way.

You can Thank Me Later

2005-08-15T14:14:00.000-04:00

Pour the Milk, Billy

Maxine, y'old bitch

2005-08-15T11:56:00.000-04:00

Random: I really find that Koegel's hot dog billboard really vulgar. "Serve the Curve" . . . It may as well be "Slob the knob". Have you people seen this thing!? What is with censorship, they take out all the shit you want to see, and then give you a product which no one can relate to (thanks F.G.).

Less random: Thanks to all who were able to come to the party friday. You made it memorable (the good kind). Except Ziems . . . ziems, you suck. Stop being anti-social and drinking my guests' beer. I know you already stopped, but god dammit, you better be visualizing me shaking my finger at you like a polish babooshka. Tazi, tazi, tazi! Ed, you polish sonovabitch. I love ya!
Matt, stop drinking. I get it.

My mother is on a big Maxine kick. I think maxine is annoying, and not all that funny. Ironically when I went to make that link, the first cartoon I clicked on was amusing, but I'm willing to forget that and attribute it to drug use. I think my mom thinks she's getting old, and I guess she is. But, I guess what I see more . . . is that she's acting old. Not all the time, but she has her moments, and a sort of mental blocker that throws out the fun ideas and keeps the ultra safe ones.
I think that largely I have adopted this set of mind as well. You know that when you live in close proximity to another person for a long time you begin to adopt their habits. Actually I'm just assuming that's the case, cause what I really heard was that people whom are involved in an intimate relationship start to act like each other. Really makes you choose your mates, cause their idiosyncrisies will be yours. And visa versa. Wow, that's frightening. I can think of some f'ed up combinations.

You know, most of my Toledo friends don't read this. They suck anyway.

but suck good . . . schlongdinger! Ha, that's a funny word. Eat it, sucka!

My-CuRRent_LIFE

2005-08-09T14:23:00.000-04:00

Man, this is some bullshit.

Dream analysis

2005-08-09T14:15:00.000-04:00

I dreampt of buying hoodies last night. All were reasonably priced.

Needless to say I couldn't afford them. I'm poor in my dreams, too.

Them's was some good hoodies . . .

Good to get out, good to be back

2005-08-02T15:01:00.000-04:00

Spent a great weekend in Columbus. Actually it was laddy, lassie, pot-o-gold Dublin. Mondo, Emi Jo and I went to a nice restaurant in an overcrowded mall . . . but I seriously had the best salmon I've ever had. Scrumptuous! We all decided it was better to have some random fun and when to a local skate park where we tortured small plastic bottles, apples, and a golfball. Satellites were spying on us . . . in jealousy, of course.

Saw the sun rise Sunday morning over a really nice conversation with emi. Sometimes you find the nicest things in places that you don't expect. How refreshing.

Mondo and I took a great route back from columbus. Mostly on Rts. 203 and 199. 203 has mucho curves and hugs rivers most of the way. We stopped at a resevoir where we waved to a lackadaisical family and almost sat on what eerily resembled human feces. I knew I smelled SHIT, Mondo!

Maybe catch an Irish fest this weekend, hopefully . . . then off to Cleveland for Ed's house warming party. I think I'll take him a bottle of sake.

Anyhoo, I gotta go register for classes. Hopefully I'll be taking some composition lessons. that equals happy justen.

Sexism

2005-07-26T15:12:00.000-04:00

Check this article out. Quick read.

If this was a man, he'd go to max security prison.

Wunderbar

2005-07-23T16:43:00.000-04:00

for all of you that have ever had the, mmmmm, pleasure of being waitstaff check out this new game on Ebaumsworld! I shit you not I played it for like an hour straight. The points are really more rewarding than money anyway right . . . . .

I think that when someone starts to tell you about all the cool things that have been going on in their life . . . you really get a quality assessment when they ask, "so how about you, what have you been doing for the past year?"

Damn the peasants and damn their crops.

I tell you, I'd post more often if my life were more interesting. If p, then q.

It'll all be over soon . . .

One of the best endings to a game I've seen in a long time

2005-07-05T15:01:00.000-04:00

I've come across a great online game that you ALL must play. Powerfox 3 far surpasses any expectation that you might have for an online game.

Sweeter than honey.

Have I steered you wrong yet?

Play it to the end, it takes all of 5 min. on easy.

I am the greatest . . .

Don't think about my pale ass

2005-06-30T13:02:00.000-04:00

I'm making an attempt to become a 'stablehand' I believe it is called. There's a riding stable in Swanton, OH that is looking for "Barn help wanted." I jumped on the chance, and yet had very mixed feelings about the success of such a venture. And today, I'm feeling even more mixed feelings given my trouble sleeping at night and waking in the morning.

They use horsies to heal people though, and I thought it might heal me as well. I hope that I can step out of my own darkness long enough to call them again and sound like I want the job. Live on premise, get paid. Two birds. KA-BOOM.

Di, I've returned the favor. MagFry, you're history. Adventures my pale ass.

Mucho bucks, king makes sweet love to my mind

2005-06-29T13:46:00.000-04:00

Greetings readers,

If anyone knows of a good (or at least decent) PT job in the Toledo area please let me know. I'm on the look out and have decided that two mind-numbing part time jobs are better than one brain destroying full time.

I understand why people take Prozac. Gotta get me some of that.

Man! is sobriety in Toledo B.O.R.I.N.G.

Finished Stephen King's The Shining last night. Should have been sleeping but those last 60 pages wouldn't let me leave until they were all read. DAMN, that book was freakin amazing! I highly recommend it. SO SO different from the movie, and a completely different ending. You can really see how Kubrick got his fingers into the movie (not a bad thing), and it is completely different from King's persuasion, and from all the rest of his movies. We're talking Major plot differences. Kubrick did an honorable job of putting such a lengthly book into 2 hrs of film, but damn, if you've seen the movie and liked it at all, you gots to read the book. Hard to put down.

I like King's style a lot. Always some sort of supernatural or religious force, incredible character development and realism, psychological thriller more than horror, a healthy dose of gore and vulgarity, and an ending that makes you feel good about things. Becoming a big fan.

SuMmer Soltice Edition

2005-06-22T01:38:00.000-04:00

Happy Summer everyone. Longest day of the year. Enjoy the sunshine, wherever it may be.

I'd log in 10 times for this

2005-06-14T16:56:00.000-04:00

God bless ebaumsworld. They've recently posted this video, which I find colossally funny. I'm a music major! You can't touch this video.

It's Hard-to-Beat, Merv

2005-06-14T16:26:00.000-04:00

Wanted to let you guys know that I've recently become aware of Hearts of Space a program that apparently got it's start in the 80's. For all the Frogtown dwellers, HoS airs every sunday from 10pm-midnight on NPR 91.3. Hearts of Space is labelled "Space Music", a rather outdated term considering the present familiarality (sp?) with electronically produced music and ambient. It wholly deserves the rating of: 5 drunk baboons. Unprecedented.

If you go to their website you can review any of the programs made, by genre or number. I recommend the one I actually got to hear, #732. It was all Indian electronica and ambient. It was way better than I'm sure it sounds here.

On a completely different note, Jonny-O is off to camp something-or-other out in Portland, Oregin. He'll be there for the next 90 days or so, spinning his fire Poi and gracing his campers with the hearty aroma of his burnt arm hair. You can catch his ever increasing manhood here.

Just think.

Somewhere.

Right now.

Someone's

nipples are

hard.

An Olga awaits. My music is erect.

For keyboard shorcuts, press Ctrl with: hard-boiled eggs.

Never forget that.

My nipples are hard.

weeks later

2005-06-07T18:43:00.000-04:00

18. THE DECAY OF ETHICS
When the way of the Tao is forgotten,
kindness and ethics need to be taught;
men learn to pretend to be wise and good.
All too often in the lives of men,
filial piety and devotion arise only after conflict and strife,
just as loyal ministers all too often appear,
when the people are suppressed.

-Lao Tzu trans. Stan Rosenthal

Kroger has, in the "Nature's Market" section, a series of differently flavored soups, all w/ long noodles (organic). I've tried a lot of the different flavors, but most of them . . . . mmm, if you could taste trite, that's what you'd have. I recommend the 'Hot & Sour& flavor'. It's good all the way to the end. Like me.

Did you know forever was 3 weeks long. D'ya believe that!?

2005-05-12T16:42:00.000-04:00

For all my poopsie-doodles:

I'll be heading up to Hillsdale this weekend for 3 weeks of sum. school! I'll be writing the last chapter in the Big Book of Suck that was my undergraduate experience.

Feel free to come up and visit, as I've practically got a whole house to myself, and plenty of vacuous sobriety. You're not coming. Shut up.

So, whoever I see, see you in three weeks. I'm out.

Happy Birthday to me

2005-05-03T21:34:00.000-04:00

see title.

please don't post "happy birthday". it's just pathetic if you can't even muster an e-mail. Thanks to all of you who did wish it though. It was aight <--- intelligence established. 24. seems a good age so far!

ancient frogtown wisdom

2005-04-27T15:56:00.000-04:00

I think that a helpful tool for hapiness (is it w/ two p's. hmmmm. happiness. hapiness. yeah, two p's), er, happiness is movement. Not just movement of any kind.
Not the hip tucked, bending-from-my-mid-back-to-spit-toothpasty-saliva-into-the-sink movement, but 'effortless' movement.

I'm about to haul myself to the park, just to move around a while, maybe run a little. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do, but I'm going to move around. I notice that the times when I'm most unhappy are the times when I'm sitting around. Too much energy in this body to sit. Too much crackle in the pop. Not enough vegetables in the elephant.
Iffffff you know what I mean.

While I think we live in a predominantly sedentary society, it certainly is still an option.

Always been happiest w/ lots and lots of exercise. Hmmm, ancient Toledo wisdom.

a bad night for no external reason

2005-03-29T21:29:00.000-05:00

I am addicted to unavailable women.

If any of my readers need to find a girl who won't be around much, just ask me, I can pick them out of millions. Uncanny.

in regards to the post of a friend

2005-03-27T11:41:00.000-05:00

I'm making this post mostly for the Fry man. He recently posted on being in love, and the hesitations and concerns that go with having this feeling.

I wanted to expound a little more than haloscan will let me on his blog, because I realized something yesterday . . . . probably re-realized. Falling in love is but a story that we're told. Falling in love is not real, unless we act out the story. I do not understand why we believe that being in love is a mystical thing, something that graces the luckiest of us, and laments those who do not have it. Being in love has expectations, and expectations of permanance. Well F THAT!

That kind of thought gets me in a fury! I believe, and experience proves, that loving is one of the most basic functions of being human! How did we ever alienate ourselves from our most basic abilities. Children do it effortlessly . . . without wondering if they should be in love, or what it means, the just love.

As from one of Massive Attack's wonderful songs, "love, love is verb. Love is doing word." Goddamn RIGHT! Love is not something that comes to us, or graces us, or that we fall into. Love is something we do, a function of being human, just as much as shedding dead skin cells or taking a shit. Love is base, crude, mundane, and absolutely wonderful.

I don't believe in being in love, it's just a fantasy, and has nothing to do with being human or living in reality. However, loving . . . loving is such a basic thing . . . it almost defines us as human. We focus on what separates us from other animals ----> intellect, rationality, analysis. These are useful tools but do not depend on them to define yourself or you'll build a world that looks much like the one we currently live in.

Love is daily, love is boring, love is not exceptional, love helps us survive. Look for it for what it is, and do not make it something else. Our capacity to love ourselves is directly related to our capacity to love another. Love cannot be aquired, or gained, or received or given. Love can, however, wash through us like the ocean to a fish. We bathe ourselves in it, we do not keep it, it flows through us and is never exhausted.

Love is a stream, not a stagnant pond. It is renewed, constantly, and never dries up. Center yourself in love and you'll never be old. Your death will ripple through the world, so that you may give even when letting this body go.

Do you see, my friend, that you love without boundaries, without rules, and that your love is only limited to how much you let go? That it will always be with you, in your cells, vibrating in your actions, and that it has no object, not goal, nothing to give? When you love, do it only to be who you truly are. Often those that we love are not capable of feeling it. This is not your loss. Swim in the river, and listen . . . .

Love is defined as what sets the heart free.

My best wishes are with you.

wow, that brought tears to my eyes.

MJ, I'll miss you

2005-03-23T21:44:00.000-05:00

I'm writing . . . actually I'm writing because of what this blog is about. I wonder if I do that every time?

As of last night, I've smoked my last J for some time. Smoking alltogether seems to have gotten banned from my life. I've tried this 2 times before, I think, and I think I had much the same reaction that I am, and am going to have.

Firstly, let me establish that I don't particularly want to quit, but do want to quit, and am highly motivated to do so, because of the adverse effects that smoking has. Cigarettes, well, hasn't there been extensive study on why it's bad for you . . . so I need not go into that. But the MJ?

Suffice it to say that I'm tired of that being all that I do. I'm not quitting because I don't like it, I'm quitting because I don't seem to have the freedom not to smoke. For some reason I don't see much point in doing anything if you don't have the freedom to or not to do it. I must say that it's not so much that I'm just quitting smoking, but cleaning my life in general. I have grand plans of becoming a member of the local rowing club (something that has proved to be EXTREMELY difficult over the past few weeks), attending Aikido classes regularly once again, and hopefully getting some sort of access to the composition lab at the University of Toledo.
It all looks nice on paper, but is much nicer when realized.

I've done countless hours of thinking about how MJ influences and effects my life. I think that i've been using it so regularly that I now have no perspective on what life is like w/out it. If you ask me, I grimmace or frown and say, "sober life sucks." I'm out to prove this wrong . . . and a part of me wants to prove it right. Sober life does suck, if you have nothing to do.
Sooo, doing things . . . that's what I plan to do, stuff. Anything to fill the time, cause I realize that I seem to have too much of it. Funny thing about me, I have all this time, and I'm bored.

Ultimately I am quitting so that MJ might be a more moderate part of my life. It's something that I hope to enjoy for many years, but I won't be able to do that at my current consumption rate. I sure don't want to be a spaced-out headshop owner. I know a couple of those people . . . not pretty.

I'm afraid of feeling the way my body has felt for many months, but I have ignored and replaced with drug (no exercise gives you such a yucky feeling). I am actually afraid that I am not capable of having a good time, or feeling ok w/out smoking. It must seem so silly to someone who's never had a relationship with such a substance. It's not silly though. People drug out on anything . . . . caffeine, sugar, video-games, sex, x-treme sports, adrenaline. I guess the substance is not so consequential as the attitude behind it. What do we do without these things, what is left of us without our beloved?

I hope that things are only going to get easier as time goes on, and I cough up the inevitable. It is a hard time for me, and I feel lost without MJ, who has been my friend for almost 3 years. I never thought I would talk this way about something like MJ. I think, though, that I will be more able to help people w/ real and perceived (the worse of the two) addictions, after confronting my own.

After a while, you get tired of being out of shape, and decide that the sludge in your veins needs to turn back to blood.
After a while you ask yourself: how fat do I need to get before I'll exercise? How much do I need to cough until I stop buying the next pack? How many days must I watch my life slip by me before I gather the courage to leave the high? I love getting high . . . and listening to music, and enjoying the feeling of being there. But if you smoke too often, then the colors fade, the sounds annoying, the body unable to hold it's own weight.

I am afraid that I cannot quit, and over the past few years, I've enjoyed proving myself right. What I always enjoyed about MJ, though, was the freedom. The way the mind works . . . the way it's interested, the way it plays. Play is something that I am trying to get back, and there isn't much help from my fellow adults. Not much help, which sucks, cause who really likes playing alone all the time?

I am looking forward to having more energy. No more bags under my eyes. Lungs that don't struggle. Hips that get more flexible, as opposed to more locked. A new perspective on myself, and hopefully freedom from MJ, so that I might enjoy it again.

I think most of my readers will not understand where I am coming from. I'm sure that you have ideas, we all do. It's so much different to walk the path, to experience it, and feel the draws and the fears and notice what stress you add to your own walk.

Smoking was often spiritual for me. Quitting most certainly will be.

Why is it so hard to remember that everything is new.

to update

2005-03-16T23:52:00.000-05:00

I heard what I had be waiting to hear:

So, it appears that only at the Consulate General of Japan in Detroit do you get to hear whether or not they recommended you for a position (now, you don't get to find out if you're on the job list or the alternates, just if you were recommended for either or none).

I did get recommended. I find out the real story in early to mid April. Until then, I gather that I have much over half chance of getting a position.

Just letting everyone know.

On another note, I got to see Kodo (Japanese Taiko drumming group) this past saturday in Akron w/ Ed. I can't really comment on the show, as it would do it not near enough justice to even put the effort into doing, see. It was an experience that I hope to repeat. Fackin' art.

I mean fucking. <----- funny sentence

H2 ooooooooooooooooooooo

2005-03-09T20:21:00.000-05:00

Still no word from the JET. And . . . I think I'm started to not care.

I moved into a new office/cubicle today. Now I have a window, all to myself. Wicked glare on the screen, so I'm gonna have to buy one of those anti-glare shield thingies. Unfortunate, cause if images were food, I'd vomit the anti-glare all over my lap. Another reason to be thankful that food is food and computer screens turn off.

My job is tolerable. It doesn't pay much, but I majored in music, so I guess it pays infinitely more than I'd be making in a career in music. Big fat goose egg.

I float in a general malaise of apathy. Some people get medicated.
I self-medicate.

Bought "The Very Best of Arlo Guthrie" Sunday, in an attempt to make myself feel better, with plans of enjoying the sunshine, which I did at the same park that had, the previous day, claimed my dry pants and operational cell phone. Took myself for a walk with "City of New Orleans" in my head.

I guess if you want a new Cricket phone, and have their insurance, you have to file an insurance claim. Needless to say the insurance company's systems were down so they could not issue me a claim number. Hopefully thursday will give me a new, working cell phone.

I'm very frusterated. So very frusterated with myself. I am a blind man trying to describe his surroundings, thinking that his dead eyes will see if he just pushes hard enough.

I hope I can start rowing soon. mmmmm, water.

jusaten-san

2005-02-20T13:19:00.000-05:00

Just a quick update:

Had my interview for J.E.T. program this past friday.

They grilled me hard. I pwned them.

I find out in 2 weeks if I make it on the short list/alternates.

Chances are, I'll be on the other side of the world come July.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

jesus is risen

2005-02-01T16:32:00.000-05:00

I also saw a picture of a billboard that said, "Jesus is risen." the billboard was about 100 yrds away from a a GIANT jesus prodruding from the ground, hands raised in triumph.

We're talking jesus of brazilian proportions.

so, the rapture is here. Everybody's talking about jesus rising.

I always wondered what it would be like to be left for the 7 years.

Appears I've got a LOT of company.

sinners, go to church

New Job

2005-02-01T16:21:00.000-05:00

Totally have a job at American Broadband Telecommunications now. It's an office job. some data entry (good data entry, if there is such a thing). I have a good boss; I like him. He's fair respectful. I want to do a good job, and he only helps that. A good situation.

I'm glad for this, to be working during the day is good for me. Something to schedule things around. Makes doing things easier, like exercise. Gotta exercise. Not for the body so much as the mind.

Not so much for muscles. for peace.

I work with 3 of my friends. How cool is that?

very cool. So glad . . . . just to have something to do. To be useful.

Something about being useful.

necessary

I saw a sign in front of a church recently. A side note: I still wonder why, it seems, all non-catholic churches have those you-put-up-the-words signs. It said something to the effect of, " There is a god-shaped hole in all of us that can only be filled by . . . ." I don't know, jesus or something. The funny part was the god-shaped hole. Doesn't this just raise philosophical questions? God has a shape? God can fill things . . . people?

is god having sex with me?

oooo, holy spirit feels . . . . . mmmmm, gooooooood.

what t-town means to me

2005-01-31T14:08:00.000-05:00

I've been living in Toledo for some time now . . . . sans the colorful time in college . . . my whole life.
I'm glad that I've gotten to travel a lot, because if not, I might think that the people in Toledo were the people everywhere.
I've noticed that people in Toledo have a certain attitude/mentality. My friends and I go out to the bars, and I notice it there. If you've been here for an extended period of time, then you probably know what I'm talking about . . . if you haven't, then let me tell you about the East side.

There's a river that runs through the middle of downtown toledo . . . Maumee. It used to be a nice river before all the pollution, but that's not what this blog is about (it's highly rumored on the crew teams that if you ever fall out of the shell then you might develop some extra "appendages" in the following days.
Anyway, the little man inside tells me I'm rambling . . . . point being the river divides East/West toledo.

East side is some sort of poverty-phenomenon. I don't know if the East side is the way it is because of money . . . but I doubt it, cause lack of money doesn't make you like they are . . . at least not that I can see.
To sum up what I'm about to explain, let's put it this way: I would much rather live in my parents house, then on the East side . . . . pretty much any day of the week.
You can feel the East side. It sucks you in, and it doesn't want you to leave. The people there, for the most part, are 'white trash.' The mean kind. Oh yeah, and East siders really hate people from the other side of the river. There's this whole prejudiced thing happening w/ the river.

To me, there seems to be so much hate in the East side, it's . . . . well, it's thick.

I mention the East side to talk about Toledo . . . the attitude here. Is it the weather that brings people down?

The whole town seems to have the attitude of a mopey friend who doesn't want to go out at night, doesn't want to have any fun, doesn't anything that's happening anywhere else (maybe not even in their own town), just wants to get fucked up retarded, and complains that the sidewalks are rolled up at 10pm on Friday, but doesn't want to do anything if he has to be creative. East side? : just add violence to the previous description.

Now, I've met a lot of very cool people from Toledo (it just so happens, coicidentally?, that they happen to have spent a lot of time out of Toledo . . . getting cool I assume.

Now, like I said, I've travelled to a lot of places . . . just within the U.S. Not everyone seems to have this attitude. People everywhere have their problems and their bad days . . . . I'm trying not to reference this . . . . it's more like in Ghostbusters 2 (which has been on Comedy Central repeatedly, lately) where there's a giant river of evil goo running under the city. I think Toledo has one of these. In some aspects, Hillsdale (the town) felt a lot better than being in Toledo.

I don't think it's area dependent. I do, however, believe that you shouldn't underestimate the dysfuntional, exponential, power of a lot of miserable people together. Toledo was a swamp. We are swamp people in disguise of the rest of the country. At least in the bayou, people are freakish, but you get to hunt critters and eat jumbalahya and shit.

Here? We have factories . . . . not jumbalahya. We're like a mining community in the old west. And you know what happened to them . . . . ghost towns.
This is where toledo is headed.
A sinister union with the disgruntled undead.

Great News

2005-01-29T16:11:00.000-05:00

everybody . . . . I made it past the first stage of the JET program. I've got my interview in mid february. Wish me luck.

One step closer to the Japanese dream.

2 things

2005-01-27T02:03:00.000-05:00

It's best to post late at night. Otherwise it takes forever to log onto blogger.

I'm posting for two reasons:

Firstly, let's clear up the last post. ---> I did title it "what they would call a bad morning", so please understand that it is just that, a bad morning. Not the end of my life, or some bottomless pit . . . . just a moment of despair and doubt. No amount of intellectual understanding can cure the state that I find myself in on such a morning. While your comments are appreciated by some part of me, the other part of me finds many of them (while I am not necessarily questioning their genuinity) to be what is prescribed to say when someone is having a rough time. Please understand that I don't mean that they aren't honest . . . . it's just that when someone is in a tough time, they don't need you to tell them about options or how they have friends. Sometimes they just need a swift kick in the ass . . . other times it just requires patience. Thanks for posting, and please realize that those sorts of posts are not meant for responses. Just expressions of a state. I'll try to be more clear next time.

The second reason I'm posting is to see if anyone in the Toledo or surrounding areas would want a roomate or know someone who does. Alas, the situation living w/ the parents has gotten to a point where I really can't live here anymore because I don't want to become violent . . . . which is where I'm seeing this heading in the not so distant future (I will spare you the details. suffice it to say that living conditions have become intolerable, as I care far too much about my health).
I would hope for my own room, but am willing to make exceptions. I'm very clean (at least in the public spaces) and I keep dishes out of the sink and don't fuck the shit fuck. I'll most likely have a job at American Broadband tomorrow, so I'm gainfully employed and can handle rent. I'm pet friendly, and don't have lots (if any) parties. I know that a lot of women prefer female roommates, but I can honestly say that I think I would make a good roomate for a woman as well.

I'm available for interviews and would be happy to answer any questions that a potential roomate may have. Please send any responses to the e-mail address to the right. Thanks for any help you can provide.

what they would call a bad morning

2005-01-20T15:26:00.000-05:00

It's been quite a while . . . . that's because there hasn't been anything to say.

It's difficult to see that my life may be changing in anyway. I was house-sitting for a little over 2 weeks. That was wonderful sans the getting sick part (which I'm still trying to shake . . . . er . . . maybe trying isn't the word . . . . hoping that I'll miraculously get well . . . . that's better).

I haven't that much to publish on the all seeing internet now. Just know that I have reached depths of depression that have probably been seen before. I'm quite getting used to the consuming sadness that I swim in every day.

I really cannot comprehend how I am still disillusioned by my college "graduation" (which hasn't even happened yet). I only see that I "have" a music degree . . . which there are no jobs for in Toledo. I have the option to get a job, but nothing that pays more than $10/hr. Not much to live on. I would like to go back to grad school, to actually do something with this "degree", but you need $$ for school, and a job for $$. And so, instead of getting creative, I get depressed.

I've become quite accustomed to it.

Apparently, I've made some pretty poor decisions.

I doubt there will be many posts any time soon.

I'm sexier cubed

2004-12-26T13:29:00.000-05:00

Since I was talking about fantasies, I figured I could mention one that you all might share in:

It involves being able to make a clone of yourself, as you are today. If that were possible, whoa boy would I have fun. I'd totally do it with myself, too. Think about it, is there anyone in the world that could possibly be a better sex partner??? The inevitable answer is no. Your clone would know what you like, when you like it, and you'd know the same. Damn, it's freakin' mind-boggling! And you know that since I'm all about it, then my clone would be into it, too.
The ultimate, though, is having two clones, one of each gender. Eiffel Tower anyone?

The girl clone can manipulate men for all they're worth (cause, of course, she'd know everything I know . . . . what a woman!) and the men can make sure she doesn't get brutalized or anything. Then . . . eiffel tower amidst money and favors of hopeless hopefuls. Bwwwaahahahahahaaaaa!

The unbeatable trio.

God daaeh, that'd be sweet.

Winter think

2004-12-26T13:19:00.000-05:00

This morning, after having a sexy dream, I woke up thinking of Winter.

Every time the cold cuts through my bones I remember that there are some people who do not have "homes" in the way we think of them; I suppose they just don't have houses. I always then think that 'it sure would suck to be homeless now.'
I guess it doesnt' suck to be homeless in the hot sun? I never think of them in the sunny warm days.

There is a thought that comes and thinks me every now and again: living in the woods. Kind of like camping, only you don't stop. I guess it's a fantasy of mine.

The story of Native Americans has always been this way for me, too. Kind of dramatized and idealistic. The way the 'indians' lived is completely attainable, but we (and I) regard it as some sort of magic that we have fallen away from.

By the way, I wonder if any of you have noticed that the idea of "falling from grace" is infused in our culture. Whenever there is reference to receiving help or living in harmony there is always the thought that we are bad, that we have fallen from the state that we're supposed to be in. Rubbish.

Point? The things that we fantasize about (positive or negative) are attainable. But . . . . boy, it sure is comfortable here.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Crunch

2004-12-15T13:42:00.000-05:00

I'll soon be the proud, and paranoid, owner of a new crate amp with all kinds of modulating DS goodies on it.

I'm currently paired up with a basist/vocalist (screamer) and am looking for other people to play with us. If you play any of the instruments commonly found in bands like Tool, Rage, Filter, Head PE etc, then send me an e-mail or IM and you can come jam w/ us.

we're always looking for people to play with, so don't be shy about asking or telling people about us who are looking for someone.

thank godness my goodness

2004-12-10T16:51:00.000-05:00

So . . . today I got two jobs. I'm now a UPS driver helper (uniform and everything!) until christmas, and I'm a bouncer at Frogtown Johnnies.
I'm geeked. Start Monday.

So, guys, Monday-Thursday-Saturday come to Frogtown. If you misbehave though, I'll beat you like a beat Patrick Swayze.

Word Association - pt.1 (READ TRIPPING AT STARGARDEN FIRST!!!!!, next post)

2004-12-04T02:45:00.000-05:00

Cover up the right column first, compare answers. Are you screwy? A loon?

>:^*)

I'll have the tuna.

It Begins . . . .:

Monkey

My answers: Transparent

Fornicate

Devil

Asphault

Denial

Child

Guts

Heartbreak

Homeless

Absent-minded

Dingo

Hallow

Mocha

Pet

Rachel

Siamese

Cesarian

Obey

Law

Curse

Philosophy

Fornicate

Constipation

Swing

Song

Absolution

Crying

Tripping at Stargarden

2004-12-04T02:37:00.000-05:00

Do you think that's a good name for a band? If I'm ever a DJ for ambient/trance electronica, that will be the name.

Listen to Stargarden.

!!!
Mesmerize.

Feel better.

Look attractive.

Becoming a better you.

Rebreath.

Remember.

Forget.

Relaxate.

^^^

OK, now for the first time ever, Justoria is hosting a psychological experiment of reading rainbow proportions: Word association. say the first word that come to mind (you can even write it down if you want to feel super special).

Ready?

Begin!

I guess it's, like, okaaayyyy.

2004-11-30T20:10:00.000-05:00

So, I was thinking like, "hey, sex is really cool and it feels completely amazing." And then I thought some more and said, " well, maybe sex is just kinda . . . . . eh."

Sex is eh. It's not like Purgatory, it's definitely more good than bad. But, well, not that much more . . . not like it's made out to be.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a nymphomaniac who can't get pleasure from sex (for all of you who thought nymphomania was just having a lot of sex, tsk tsk tsk, bad dog), it's just that it's more like the pleasure of taking a good shit (not beer or jalepeno shit) than "the-most-life-altering-thing-you'll-ever-experience-and-if-you-do-it-outside-of-certain-guidlines-then-you'll-suffer-forever-in-eternal-'damnation'".

Sorry, I don't mean to insult anyone's beliefs. I also belief that waiting to sex-it-up till yer marries is a perfectly legitimate and ripe way of being. I'm just talking about the way that we relate to this particular one of our own bodily functions.

Speaking of which . . . can anyone tell me why any of our bodily functions would be inherently evil or sin producing? This concept makes no sense to me, and I must admit, infuriates me as well. I'm not just referring to Christianity here. For instance, early Hindu's (around Buddha's time) used to emaciate themselves. I don't believe that they consciously thought "eating is inherently bad" but they seems to have an avertive attitude toward food, so much so that they became unhealthy.

I'm going to cut this short with a poignant observation: whenever I start discussing views like this (mostly how we relate to ourselves and our bodies) I always realize that nothing seems to have inherent value and that there seems to be some sort of harmony or for the greco-lover in you, a golden-mean-of-moderation that is seen when the thing itself (sex, hunger, dissappointment) is used well/healthfully.

The things I observe seem to conflict with what people tell me (i.e. no thing having inherent value, good or bad).

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

I said Smoke IT!

Justoria

2004-11-28T15:11:00.000-05:00

So, while I'm in the blogging community, I've noticed that many of the pages that I read by other bloggers have no anonymous or cryptic authors to their comments.

Considering the relatively large amount of "anonymous" posters that I have, I'm officially declaring this page a new country, Justoria. Much like a new america (but without the radical discontinuity), I advertise that anyone with a past-in-need-of-forgetting or with a shameful name (Richard Proctor . . . . . come on!) is welcome in this new electronic country.
Where pasts are abandoned and futures flourish like alliterations like anti-gravity apples apprehending an accosting ascent! Booya!

In other words, since you'll never tell me who you are, my curiosity has evaporated like the smoke in my car and so many orphans' dreams. (anybody see The Venture Bros. last night? Dr. Venture's Wish-Machine runs on forgotten soul of an orphan. Damn liberals are always pushing there alternative fuels! Tree Huggin Hippies!)

Welcome to Justoria, Population: monkey.

A Saturday Afternoon Haiku

2004-11-27T15:24:00.000-05:00

Neodinium Flatulance

Headphones, They taunt me

Only treble, no bass found.

Best-Buy-killing-spree.

2004-11-25T13:09:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

A brief and spontaneous (keep that in mind when judging me) list of things I'm thankful for:

Not in any particular order . . .

1 Cake - the band and the dessert

2 Seat Heaters, especially ones that I get to use.

3 Trip Hop

4 Scotland

5 The electric guitar

6 ATV 2

7 The Wheel (literally, the invention of the wheel. Preeeety cool.)

8 Plastic (just think about it)

9 Twang (as in, that music doesn't have enough damn twang, Bobo!)

10 Irish Red Beard (brrrrr)

Always remember, no matter how much you suck, somebody can always suck more than you. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Snot Rancid

2004-11-24T14:19:00.000-05:00

If you love bluegrass like me do . . . Listen to the Yonder Mountain String Band . Mmmm, mmm, good.

Something about bluegrassy country fiddling goodness that makes my heart quake and my phallus protrude.

Again, thank you for letting me provide you with such interesting visual imagery.

A brief CD review

2004-11-10T19:36:00.000-05:00

Moby : Ambient ------> get it, listen to it.

I nice blend of ambient chill with free use of dissonance. Tasteful use of minimalism. Does not demand attention, but provokes interest if given attention.
Exceptionally geared toward "light"-drug use. Some tracks harder to listen to, but I think it gives the album a bit of a challenge while you listen to the gold Moby was mining. I highly recommend it. It gets 3/5 possible fuzzy llamas: *n^, *n^, *n^.

Saturday night poetry

2004-11-07T01:52:00.000-05:00

I drive down a very dark Highway 1. No light pollution.

Pines on either side.

No cars.

Just white of my own headlights.

and I have the distinct feeling,

a sort of questioning-belief like . . .

Maybe this road will not end, and there will be no place to turn off. And it wouldn't surprise me for some reason.

I have the distinct experience :

A profound vacancy . . .

An old house with no furniture, no pictures, no walls, no stairs . . . empty

Just gentle vaporescent brush strokes.

Like memories, but no see.

Like a dream, but can't remember.

So many ideas.

I tire of talking about them.

Even mentioning Helpful theories,

Useful observations,

observations Profound . . .

The house and I are twins at the head,

lungs,

hip.

What is most disappointing

is not that I see vacancy, profound loneliness all around . . .

but that we Seem unable to join each other where we are.

Instead?

Ok. Not Ok.

Normal. Weird and unrelatable.

stoic-'happiness'. Rich feeling and ensuing alienation.

Through everything I understand that

What I say, the word-paintings tell how

see My

world.

Instead of fighting so hard and

Pretending

to be objective and

know-it-all.

I embrace my foolishness

dependence

unquestioned beliefs

moments of imbalance . . .

I honor these things even

though I can't shake the

feeling

that they Are forbidden.

I respect them and I am with them.

I embrace my prison,

for I have not been able to escape,

this whole time.

Denial of dependence . . .

Denial of self-imprisonment . . .

Will not

Open

the doors.

The doors are locked

only with our

Desire

to escape.

Gassho.

a googleplex

2004-11-05T04:26:00.000-05:00

You can only have so much heaviness at a time. So, as the last post (and many previous) have been all but light reading, I'd like to post some mindful mindlessness.

I'm in California now, visiting my sister, until Nov. 13. It's harvest time out here in Mendocino. If you know anything about that, well, then you know that I'm having quite an interesting time out here, literally right on the ocean. I can wake up, walk about 1/8 mile, and say hello to the waves crashing against stubborn boulders and shoreline.

I wouldn't mind living out here, not in the least. It hasn't yet hit me that I'm so far away from Toledo, to which I've become extremely accustomed to in the past 6 months. Ahh perspective, perspective. I tire of the drama of my sister, as I find that it's not so far from the same drama I experience in Toledo.

Sometimes when you venture far away, and far away from all of your distractions, you realize that there is a profound sort of lonliness in your activities. Those things that I really enjoy, but that require worthwhile effort, I avoid.

I have many images, idealizations, in my head . . . but I am none of these.

I feel talked down to, and I think that I tend to be talked down to wherever I go. Perhaps my body language illicits this?

Do you all ever wonder if your experience of life has a whole lot to do with how others perceive you and that you can't help but give them this perception?
I feel this way a whole damn lot.

Like I said, I'll be back the 13th, at which point you can expect more writing, I'm sure. Until then, I'm with sis, in Mendo, getting high, mountain biking, and gaping at the ocean.

Love me from afar.

The nature of Politics and what we want to believe

2004-10-15T16:10:00.000-04:00

I've been paying attention to politics lately (a rarity) given the upcoming presidential elections. I've begun to notice a lot of things. Firstly, let me establish my already radical point of view.

We have a "two-party" system. But I believe that it is just a convenient concept to give us the illusion of choice, or that the people are really doing anything at all except rattled the cow bells around our necks. Let me put it in different terms: a mother says to a child, "you can have cantaloupe, or you can have honey-dew melon, which would you like?" the child thinks carefully before making his choice, never really realizing that no matter what she chooses, she's still getting a melon.

Same thing with the two party system. While the issues seem to "differ" and one candidate seems less evil then the other, we're getting melon no matter what we choose.

Have you all seen the new remake of The Manchurian Candidate? It brings an important point to the surface (it has been the case for a LONG time, but people don't seem to give a shit): the president is just a face, some figure that we can associate with power, but the truth is, the president is probably one of the most manipulated people in America (staggering considering how manipulated we all are). I don't think that either pres. Bush or Sen. Kerry are aware of their own brainwashing. Our president is a national scapegoat. If something goes wrong, who falls? Who is blamed? Not the money providers, not the manipulators.

"Mr. President, congress voted to impeach this morning . . ."

Someone mentioned yesterday that they would like to see Jon Stewart conduct the debates (which I wholeheartedly agree). Why will that never happen? Not because of the presidential candidates. So, who really has the power?

The daily show actually recently had a man on who wrote a book entitled The Chain of Command. The basic gist is that he did lots and lots of research and talked to a lot of people in the government and discovered whose hands were at the ends of the marionette strings. I have to get this book!

The two party system is an ingenious form of control, which is what our government is about anyway. All you have to do is look around and ask, "why would the government do that?" If you look long enough, and without throwing your own beliefs into it, it really comes down to control. The two party system gives us something to ally with, and something to fight . . . perfect for our minds who have been trained in duality since birth (right and wrong, good and bad . . . )

The way people subscribe to candidates reminds me of how people subscribe to religion. They choose the person who best fits there beliefs that have already been established for many years.

The same useless arguments are thrown around at both candidates, or shall I call them the scapegoats. Kerry is wishy-washy, bush is wishy-washy. The debates are convenient illusions to involve us in a process that really has already been decided. All you have to do is look at history to see that it is not necessarily the candidate who has the popular vote (or even the most votes) to win.

Corruption runs deep. And the funny thing is . . . we're the ones who violently defend it! I am careful who I say these things to; the wrong person might punch my lights out.

It's that reason, the violence that people react to such claims with, that let's me know I'm on the right track. It's not real aggression (real aggression being like, I try to kill your child, you defend it, that is real and appropriate). I see us desperately try to protect ourselves from seeing the truth about our country.

My little joke when I go through customs, "citizenship?" "the best god-damn country in the world!" Hahahaha!

If our country is great, then to be great is to separate yourself from humanity, to be man's enemy, to be our own enemy, even our environment might like to see us dead. Who are our friends? Where is our kindness, generosity, compassion, openness, wisdom, patience, acceptance? Christian country my ass!

Of course, I've said that about many of the Christians I've talked to and been around (especially at Hillsdale). Where is your love when I am lost? Where is your compassion when I need your help? Where is your understanding when I am hurt or angry?

If Jesus were around today, he would be infuriated with the people who do things in his name. Many of the Christians today remind me so much of the Pharisees of Jesus' time. Scared, distrustful, egotistical, violent, abusive, all in the name of God.

So we love our unchanging thoughts, ideas, and beliefs and we look for ways that the world supports them.

There is no sight, no thought, no feeling, no touch, no taste, no sound, no idea, no belief, no security and no lack of security, no wisdom, no mind.

I short time ago I understood why Zen Buddhists do not believe in "God". When you get rid of thoughts, concepts, beliefs (these things are not god anyway), sights, sounds, memories, self, mind . . . . . there is nothing left.
The great emptiness.

Myself vanishes, what was me was just an illusion, a mental idea, all along. Just experience . . . that's all there is. And in the faintest feeling, in the gentle touch (as if there was the smallest breeze moving the hairs of my arm) I can feel the glory. "God" will never describe the experience. It is everything, but no thing at all. There is breathing.

In this upcoming election, may we remember that we're simply voting on ideas and concepts. The future is not real, but we think we can control it by voting in the right person. Do not be ashamed. We all walk in the darkness. But are we willing to open our eyes if we have the option? Do we have the courage to look at things for what they are?

If Jesus held out his hand, offering the long journey through the dark forest . . . could we let go of our precious security to follow on the seemingly dangerous path. Are we willing to look, and see him for what he is? Can we let go of our ideas that keep us safe? Can we confront our real history, experience the loss. Can we mourn the loss of ourselves?

Where we look, there is no beauty. We listen, but there is no sound. We feel, but only what we are told is acceptable. We seek peace, but peace is unattainable as long as we are unwilling to be peace.

Gassho.

Some things . . . you can't keep to yourself

2004-10-14T16:47:00.000-04:00

Had you asked me a year ago I would have laughed in your face and pushed you over my friend who was on hands & knees behind you.

Today, I applied to be someone's nanny. The child is an infant and the parents live in Sylvania (maybe they're loaded?). It said, 'great rate of pay.'
Could be a good deal, could not.

Scruptious.

Like I said, some things you just can't keep to yourself. This is too funny for just me. But really, I hope it works out. I think I'll make a really great nanpersun.

something about this argument seems wrong . . .

2004-10-10T15:10:00.000-04:00

Haven't we all heard the various permutations of a similar theory as to what follows:

In a discussion of Psychotics and mental illness . . .

"People are labelled 'psychotic' because they deviate from the norm, assuming (big assumption for some) that there is no inherent value in morals (that is, killing in and of itself is not wrong, but under circumstances, it becomes murder).

Then, let's observe some of the crazy behavior of 'normal' people.

We can think of anything, but mostly it's the stuff that's accepted, like being upset when your boyfriend dumps you, saying 'ouch' when something hurts, overeating, apathy. We can all think of a lot of these 'normal' things that barely, and subtly tweak our awareness.

What if we look at some 'psychotics' and what they say, their story, seems just as absurd as some of the stories we have heard. We've all had that friend who obsessed about their loved one, then lost them, and completely lost it. But we gave validation to all his claims. We said, 'yeah, she was such a bitch to do that.' or, ' man, that really sucks.' The judgements themselves are considered 'normal'.

What if what was 'normal' was really seen for what it was? Would we call it normal, or would it be closer to neurotic?"

Finish this discussion later, I forgot what I was going to say about the argument I just mentioned . . . >:^0

K, finish it: The point that I was originally going to make is actually contained in the argument (that was supposed to be what I was going to argue against).

What if normal was seen for what it is? Arbitrary. A man that likes to see women naked is a pervert, while a woman who likes to see men naked is considered desirable. Men who have sex with a lot of women are said to be "completely normal" because men want to have sex all the time, right? A woman who wants to have sex with a lot of men is considered a slut.

If you look at our unquestioned beliefs without regard to history, they seem completely arbitrary. However, I'm sure there is history to all the unquestioned assumptions we have. I'm not aware of much of the history, as it's not really in history books, or taught.

too bad.

Psychotics are considered social outcasts. I think that some of them just have the courage to go with their own twisted assumptions . . . it's as if the guy who thinks he's Napoleon really just didn't care if what anybody thought about his perverted belief.

I think that if we knew what was going on in a lot of people's heads, we'd try to commit them, too.

A brief example to drive my point home: if jesus is reincarnated and walks on the earth again . . . how fast do you think it will be before he's thrown in prison or the asylum and considered a loon?

=^0

. . . a quick response to E.

2004-10-05T15:48:00.000-04:00

I think that all people need their feelings validated, especially when they're young (which is when it really matters anyway). However, many parents try to keep their babies from crying.

Why is that?

I mean, sure we think it's annoying, but have we stopped and thought about why?
Hush, baby, don't cry. It's a polite way of saying don't express that right now, but the child inevitably (at it's early stage in mental/emotional development) thinks that that means not to have the feeling itsself (I dont' negate that THAT IS what some parents are saying, however unconsciously, to their children).

I think that our fake attempts and validating each others' feelings (the attempts being designed to fail in the first place) are our way of keeping up the beliefs we made as children when our parents didn't validate our feelings. At least, this is the case for me. We belief that our survival is at risk (on an emotional level, and unconscious one) if we have some of our feelings.
Many of us would violently defend these beliefs, having no idea that they do not represent reality, however representing their reality.

Keep yer powder dry.

. . . as too much rest?

2004-10-04T17:55:00.000-04:00

I don't think there's such a thing as too much rest. After a while of what people usually refer to "resting" (or, not having anything to do), I think the body stops resting.

I've been "resting" for quite a few months now, but I get no rest.

I do what I want, when I want to, but I am not free. If I don't want to brush my teeth, I don't have to, but then my teeth get all scummy. And that's not good for anybody, baby.

I can sleep as late as I want, but I wake up exhausted. I have the option to stay up late, but do I have the option to go to bed early? It doesn't feel like it.

I wander around the hallways, and outside, my thoughts running, searching for something interesting. I can work on my resume, apply for jobs . . . these things are not fun, but must be done (soon enough).

I've grown up in a place that did not encourage creativity, play, being connected with one's world of emotions. I've learned how not to feel, how not to play, how not to enjoy.
My first impressions of this world were ones where I believed nothing was much fun, nor was it okay to have fun, enjoy much of anything (except pain), or be spontaneous.

I have no illusion that my problems are outside of me. I know that I'm responsible for my life now.
But I have a message for all the parents that are out there, or ever will be:
It makes life so much harder to teach your children to be disconnected from themselves (what really matters anyway) and then throw them into the world with messages of ought to be happy and successful, but without any tools to do it.

I also have no illusion that this is the fault of parents. It's just inherited behavior. Children whose parents did not allow them to be connected to their full spectrum of emotion (will you love me if I am upset, tired?) will grow up with an incredible degree of emotional control (since they could only have a few feelings -- not all -- if they wanted to survive and be approved of) but will pay the price of an emotionally vacant, and unfeeling life. In turn, these children won't really ever grow up and will have children of their own, whose feelings they will unconsciously squelch, continuing the cycle.

As I am entering into my sixth year of Berglarian Analysis (a type of analytical therapy), I am wondering if the cycle is possible to stop. My mind says yes, my feeling says no.

I mourn for all the moments I have lost, and am still losing. All the days I have experienced more intense emotions than I can remember, but were not aware of them. I mourn that things are the way they are. That I have another member of my family, inherited, living in my mind, who filters everything that can't come out of me, lest I not survive.
The situation has changed. If I throw a temper tantrum, I will still eat. If I get angry or aggressive, I will still have friends. If I am sad or cry, I'll still have a place to stay. This wasn't true before, but now it is. And it does not matter if you don't see it . . . I still live in a very old, dead world. There is no taste, smell, words, sights. It is empty, invisible. The world can be anything I want it to be, anything that will fulfill my beliefs that are already in place . . . that have been in place for as long as I can remember.
It looks like this world, but it isn't. I am not here.

I live in a loveless, distrustful place. Honesty is temporary. Real connections with people are freak mistakes. The sun does not shine through thick clouds. Even my own body is full of thorns, pain and discomfort if I move. Pain and discomfort if I don't move.
Trees, sunsets, all sorts of animals, mountains . . . these are all things observing me, but not a part of my world. I look at the world through glass.

"Look, but don't touch."

"Be human, but do not feel"

Would you love me if I were a liar? If I were a thief? If I were sad, crying, and weak? You loved me when I was strong, successful, had direction, knew what I wanted, was sure, quiet, respectful.
Would you still love me if I weren't what you wanted me to be?

No, you would not; you did not. I was all of these things. It was your fault, but it's I who feels unlovable.

It's me with the vacant stare in my eyes. It's me with the body who is increasingly unhealthy, sedentary, becoming unattractive.

It is not that we don't get enough rest, but that we don't rest in the time that we have. Resting seems to be a lost art. It's assumed that we know how to do it . . . it's easy right? How many 'yes's ' there just were? I laugh, and I say, "go on vacation . . . where is your mind?"
Easy . . . with practice.

It's not so much that I enjoy it here, it's that I'm addicted to it, to how familiar . . .

I still live, and so I mourn. Nobody asked me if I really wanted to survive my youth. I don't think anybody really asks anybody. What would we say if someone did?

If I had known what my life would be like, if I had known what kind of person I would be, would I have chosen to keep going. Would I if I knew what my life would be like in 5 years?

It's so dark. I can't see where I am. Maybe if I just start walking . . .

There is no light in this tunnel. The walking is the light itself.

Don't Sleep <<<<#

2004-09-30T13:06:00.000-04:00

I know a lot of people who work very hard, often times to support families, themselves, maybe even doing things we would call "charity" with their money.

I was speaking with someone last night and she asked me, "what is the benefit of staying mindful while I'm around this unpleasant person?" In other words, when an uncomfortable situation comes up, what is the benefit of staying in the present moment?

A long explanation ensued, as you can probably imagine. But what was concluded relates directly to the opening of this entry. You stay present in situations that you're strongly drawn to or averted from: firstly, because the present moment is the only place to access life, past and present are just like walking in a house of mirrors, you're really the only one there. Secondly, in a situation, say like one where you really don't want to be around someone for one reason or another, you need to ask yourself what is really going on, but also whether or not you have the freedom to be in or out of that particular situation. In other words, can you stay and can you go?

To relate it to the initial sentence: our society emphasizes a work ethic. It is in the way we think and feel. For example, what do you think of the homeless, of monks or someone on a committed religious (non-pay) path, someone who seems to enjoy his breaks just a little to much?

I am wondering if we are free to rest. Are we free to produce nothing? I'm not saying all the time, here, I don't think it's natural for someone to do nothing all of the time. But how do we feel when we go on vacations (a week or more)? As if there is an "entry" period of disbelief, as if we're not really sure to act when our time is not strictly scheduled. I know that it literally and physically bothers me not to have a strict schedule of my time. Busyness has always been more comfortable for me, but that level of stress cannot be kept up forever (especially that level of interest).

I wonder if maybe we rested more during the day, we would rest more on vacations and such. If we took a few moments after classes to just absorb the whole experience, let everything swish around a while. If we took some breaths after our morning coffee to come out of dreaming, instead of chugging it on the way to work. Just small, seemingly insignificant rests during they day, where we re-center and regain ourselves, and the clarity that goes with it.

Just a swirl of a day in the bath tub.

What I Make of It

2004-09-26T01:14:00.000-04:00

I am a poor man. I wander, as if in empty streets, deserted long, long ago.

I am rich. I feel profound loneliness; my breath is unified with yonder.

I am that puzzle piece left over. Where do I fit?

I feel unguided . . . a pilgrim in a strange land. I can barely see the faint light in the forest.

I am afraid to forget. I am afraid to forget those ideas that let me feel like I have a job, direction, usefulness. I train for a forestry job. I train in Aikido in hopes of living harmoniously with everything around and in me. Memories are not strengthened by concentration, but by effortless reminiscence.

I try not to let good things in my life. It is scarier for me to get than to live wanting. You can't do that!

My parents recently bought a moterhome (my mom's idea). My mom told me how much it bothered her to give to herself, to go have fun without answering to anyone, without needing to be back by a certain date, actually letting herself enjoy her own life.

Why do we all seem to do this? What have you told us, Mother Culture? Is it bad to have a good life if you haven't worked for it? Is it unjust that a man who provides for his family is murdered and robbed? What if the robber's children were starving?

It seems like there's always some bit of information you can add to any morally questionable situation to make it an "exception." Why do people think that if relativism is true, then morality means nothing? Foolishness.

The mirror is a symbol of enlightenment. I have often described a few around me as acting like a mirror. My dog, my aikido teacher, the tree in my front yard. All of these things reflect to me what I am like. But it is an illusion. Even saying so seems to disengage the logical mind. If I see myself in the mirror, it is not really me that I'm looking at. I'm looking at the air I breathed, the people I talked to, the vegetable my parents ate, sashimi (and plenty of wasabi), a game of counter-strike, countless beautiful and painful moments. All passing. All temporary. All necessary.

I seek now to make myself useful. Use me. Make use of me. May my steps be necessary. May my breath echo silently, the most insignificant, timeless vibrations. Not for fame, riches, sex, or popularity. But may I be useful. May I be the necessity in my steps.

Gassho.

Forgetting nothing

2004-09-22T20:32:00.000-04:00

I watch lions on TV. In the prides, rival roaming males will come challenge the males that are mating with the females of the pride, whose offspring have been born recently.

If the rival males win, the former males will leave, and become roaming males themselves, looking for a pride to take over. The females will fight the incoming males, protecting their babies, but eventually the inevitable. All of the cubs are killed by the roaming males. Violence.

And I see harmony. I've never been a lion before, as far as I know. I don't think one can achieve harmony unless one knows violence. I don't think one can know harmony unless one is peace.

Jesus said there is a time for peace, and there is a time to take up arms. There is a time for violence. We always think violence means hitting someone. But I see it at the bars, even with my friends; I see it in the pursuit of sex, "man, I would fuck her so hard, and I know she knows that's what I'm thinking, and she likes it." I hear violence in words . . . even in passivity. The words change. The message is the same, "I'm scared and will kill you if I have to."
I see violence in child rearing. If we don't like it, smack it. Instead we may consider bringing ourselves to our child's level (and that doesn't imply bringing down), understanding, listening before we pursue our own interest.

Maybe it's not so much that we need to put others' interests before our own, but that we may pause before so aggressively and inconsiderately pursuing our own. Just thinking out loud.

Just thinking out loud.

Just thinking out loud.

I admire the lions. All the rules we have . . . . "you can't do that." "you can't do that!" Theirs are less.

I know that it is time.

Celebrating Negligence

2004-09-21T03:03:00.000-04:00

I think this day must rank in my top 20 odd/awkward days in life.

Time with Julie.

Time at the Idiot. drinking. jokes. drama.

There are things I might write, but I think I know the identity of my anonymous-comment-leaver. Wouldn't be prudent at this juncture. <---- who said that? points if you know.

There's so much to be said, but not to be posted.

Schnickered tonight. Partying has become the low point of my days.

Djoo know Yerry, yourd a sovabitches!

2004-09-14T15:40:00.000-04:00

Been up at our cottage for the past couple days. Playing with stones, what else?

I like it a lot up here. It's in Marine City, right on the st. clair river (Right on it!) Canada is just across the river, and, given the opportunity, I may wave at some canadians. That's ALWAYS fun.

I hope that I have access to this place (or am given it. ; ) ; ) <--- winks Mr. Pickles ) after my parents die. What a great going away present, only in reverse.

To all my readers, if you're leaving message and expect me to call you back and I don't have your number and it's an out of towner . . . enunciate your freaking number to save me calling all sorts of slant-eyed hicks trying to find you!
Let's just apply that to any number you ever leave on any machine.

I'd write more save the stones are missing me.

Be back Thursday, toledoans (not that any of you s.o.b.'s read this anyway. you s.o.b.'s.)

Old Cake

2004-09-05T19:15:00.000-04:00

Firstly, I think "Dissappointing Friday" should be the name of a movie or band. Dissappointing being sold as a verb, not adjective.

The generosity of my friends set me on a tidal wave of booze and canadians Saturday. Happy B-day to Jason! I was extremely happy I got to go, as the previous overwhelming patheticism of the previous post suggests (nice alliteration!).

I will be lifting some stones Tuesday - Wednesday/Thursday. So, I won't be around, fyi.

Informational blogs= stale

Dissappointing Friday

2004-09-03T11:11:00.000-04:00

Well, I had a great plan. And it's blown.

My account has (for the millionth time) overdrawn because of an automatic withdrawal service for Aikido. Had I closed my account yesterday and gotten my money out of the bank, then I would still be going to Windsor tomorrow. As it turns out, an agreement I made 2 1/2 years ago has just spent the money I was going to spend at Jason's B-day party.

I don't think $50 will cut it. But hey, at least I'll get to hang out with them tonight and play paintball tomorrow. If I have any money left over, I'll take myself out for sushi tomorrow night.

The thing is, it's just so hard to let myself feel disappointed (as I have not felt this profoundly disappointed in some time). It feels like such an awful feeling, and I cross my arms in front of my stomach for some half-semblance of resistance to a feeling that seems to sweep through the marrow of my bones (which it, quite literally, does).

In these helpless situations, I always feel the need to blame myself. Anything to get away from the disappointment.

Share the Wealth

2004-09-02T02:40:00.000-04:00

Ted, J, Matt, Katy and I went to Beir Stube tonight. Good times. We had to compete for pool. Played pool. I, apparently, wasn't drunk enough to be good at pool.

Love the Irish Carbombs at Bier Stube. Ted says they're the best in toledo. I believe him.

Jason, I'd like to take Kate to dinner. Is that okay? Is she even available?

I'm looking forward to this weekend. It's Jason's 22 b-day. Two day party, one night in toledo, one night in windsor. AND, my brother wants to play paintball saturday! Damn, this weekend is going to ROCK!

Jason, share the wealth.

Ted, share the love.

Matt, share the buddha.

As time moves on

2004-08-25T13:55:00.000-04:00

So, the job search is going fairly decently. I must say, Richard's music is my most hopeful of the possibilities (which rings my jangle just dandy).

As soon as I get a job, I'm going to get money. As soon as I get the money, I'm moving out.

If anyone knows of any good apartment deals around the Holland area, that would be ideal.

I've got a feeling that I'll be moving out by myself. It's ok, just a lot more expensive. Bummer. And yet, Yay!

I have very little of interest to post about. At least not to all you people! You crazies!

Too Sexy for my Muthafuckin' Self

2004-08-17T19:04:00.000-04:00

Bone Thugs 'n harmony; check them out. I'm glad that there are groups that I like out of types of music that I "do not like." Bone Thugs is some of the best rap I've heard; keeping to what I believe is the roots of rap, using the human voice and language as another rhythmic instrument. Rock on. Joining the company of Busta Rhymes, Spearhead, Eminem, and that guy who does that song . . . man, that's a good one.

That's it, I'm boozed up.

Free Advertising

2004-08-13T14:54:00.000-04:00

'97 Nissan Pickup XE for sale.

59,000 miles. Great shape. Reliable. Great student car. Mag wheels. A/C, auto, tape/CD, 12 valve.

Pass it on. Pictures upon request (got 'em on a disk, but no web hosting)

Whatchoo want, you got it.

2004-08-12T14:03:00.000-04:00

For what may been the final post on this subject for a while (the horse is dying my friends), I reviewed your comments and I think that they're all (by 'all' I mean, 'most') very helpful.

However, I've noticed that in a lot of the calculating about this not-so-hypothetical Situation, there's just that, a lot of Calculating. In my experience, Thinking too much about something you'd like to do always ensures that it doesn't get done.

While I do like the "let's get familiar" approach, I think, given the nature of the setting of the restaurant, Jason's suggestion takes the cake. If you're in a Situation which doesn't allow for much small talk, the direct approach may be best.

It's flattering if you mean it. So shall it be done.

Paradigm shift needed, apply within

2004-08-10T14:01:00.000-04:00

Ok, you guys are full of it.

Let's all face it, unless a waiter/waitress makes an obvious move that they're interested in you, it's pretty much impossible to land a date with one. Now, we've all seen it in the movies, but I've never seen it in real life.

I mean, what the hell would you even say!? save the "ah duhhhh's" and throat clearings.

The point is, there's no common ground to start with in such a situation, nothing to spark interest and bring defenses a bit lower.

What I think is, I think that even if the waiter/waitress is attracted to you, the mere attempt at picking them up at work is a turn-off.

However, I must say, if I were a waiter and some cute little number asked me out, I'd most likely go for it. Which then my next automatic conclusion is that I'm not this hot-little-number.
Could it be that it's not me, it's them?

Stuff it. I am a social cripple, forever attracted to people that I cannot have.

Can we get funtional here, people?

How do you establish common ground with a perfect stranger when they're working?

answer: I don't.

mild movie review

2004-08-07T13:50:00.000-04:00

I saw The Manchurian Candidate Thursday. I highly recommend it (coming from someone who finds it a rare occasion that he walks away from the theater thinking he hasn't wasted $$).

It is not at all what I thought it would be, and much of the "good stuff" was not overdone. This is one I recommend seeing in the theaters, and, depending on your partner, might be a good date movie (you do have to actually watch the movie, though).

Made up a new lick on my guitar, but it seems that there's something in my genes that is opposed to writing lyrics. I have a few licks ready for some lyrics, but I don't seem to want to write any.

Anybody got lyrics? Ahem, good lyrics?

I am still boggled by the waitress-asking-out-dilemma. Perplexing.

dreams of dreamless sleep

2004-07-29T11:26:00.000-04:00

I haven't been sleeping well. Waking up a lot at night, weird dreams. I've blamed it on sobriety, but I know that is not why.

I feel an unscratchable itch to change location, to change something, to change everything.

So, how long does it take to establish a sleep schedule? I went to bed at 9:30 last night, couldn't get to sleep for at least an hour, and come this morning at 8 (after awaking at 6:30 and going back to sleep) was exhausted and could barely pull myself out of bed. To be honest, I get up earlier, but I wake up at the same time, right around 10:00am.

I'm frusterated with life. There is so much loneliness, in the deepest sense. Not the kind of, "I'm pathetic because I don't have a girlfriend." It actually has nothing to do with a girlfriend, at all. It's the kind of feeling like I described in my previous post, the kind that permeates your being and your understanding that everyone dies.

The path is long, rich, beautiful, and alone. I attend Aikido, Zazen not just to work on myself, but because I feel a certain responsibility, as if I owe it to the world to make the world a better place.

I carry my nightmares with me. I am a calculator. I think about everything; I think it all out, as much as I can. Paranoia. Desperate to have "seen it coming." Control where control is entirely absent. Control of the self? Is that possible? I've learned it is . . . but not with forcing. I am a mindful animal . . . has it made a difference? I suffer less, and I suffer.

I always come back to the same thought: my pursuits of self-betterment, reducing suffering for not only myself but everyone, expanding awareness, learning about the self . . . all of this seems to be in direct conflict with my upbringing. My childhood is a viscous shadow that will follow me wherever I go. And my question is: how should my attitude towards this be?

My shadow is like hooks in my back, embedded in my skin, pulling me backwards, drawing me to pain, but it is I who choose to suffer. And it would be absolutely foolish to buy the idea that there is no part of me that enjoys it. That is drawn to it.

I bask myself in awareness, but I do not understand. The land is crippled, bare, neglected. And I cry for it. But this is not to understand it. Not to really see it.

My shadow is a dark tree; it's roots anchor in my skin. The more I pull away from it, the more it makes it's prescence known. I've dreampt of the tree, and it horrifies me. The tree must be cut. It's center must be pierced, directly, honestly, without thought of retreat. And so I train.

I knew the life I chose, the life of training and self-awareness, would bring up pain; that it would make me face the darkest parts of myself. I have the tools. I am a righteous lumberjack.

The road is long. Beautiful. Lonely. Necessary.

Because die requests

2004-07-27T11:32:00.000-04:00

So, long about late September to early October it starts feeling like fall. And I must say that the past 3-4 days have felt like the beginning of fall.

I always get a particular feeling when fall begins; I could write worlds of music, paint expanses of paintings (too bad I'm not a painter) about it. I think autumn is my favorite time of year, well, it is, no doubt about that.

If I had to choose the words to describe the feeling, I'd say this, take the ride with me:
It's like I'm laying in a forest, except there is no ground foliage. Instead, perhaps there is moss. It is cool outside, let's say about for all you scientific minded; to me, it's just the perfect temperature. It's like being as lonely as you can be, but not feeling like it's a bad thing.
I'm laying in this forest, looking up at the sky. The trees are spaced rather far apart, and they're very large, like redwoods. There's something about the air here. It's like the air particles are spaced farther apart, so that my lungs feel bigger, but it's not difficult to breathe. When I look around the woods, I cannot see the end. But it's like a dream, because I feel like I'm on the top of a mountain. On the mountain I feel like I could fall at any time, like god could reach down and make me fall, or carry me off in a breeze. I imagine that it's similar to what it might feel like to fly, only I'm on the ground. There is a distinct feeling of being out of control, it is strong even. But I don't fight it. I feel like a bird in a thunderstorm. I am completely at the mercy of the storm, yet I do not fight it, and so I am safe. Safe, and out of control. As if in a vast openness, maybe how an astronaut feels in space, but I feel like there is no danger, even if I die. I feel at one with things, and yet, at the mercy of things. Out of control, and yet comfort. There is beauty, and death . . . And they are not separate.

If I had to choose words, I would have said those. I love the autumn with my whole being.

I've been thinking that I'd really like to have a job that involves being in the wilderness. Does anyone know where I might start looking for such a job? I was thinking maybe Canada would have an abundance of such jobs. I don't know. Maybe the internet can tell me, for after all, it knows all.

In answer to your answer (say THAT five times fast!)

2004-07-22T11:03:00.000-04:00

Well, I gotta say that I don't think first impressions are very off. The initial impression I got of this person was that she was very open, kind, she likes to laugh a lot, and very easy to talk to. To be honest, I wasn't even sexually attracted to her.

One of my friends mentioned, " . . . isn't she good looking . . ." And then I looked and said, "oh yeah, I guess she is."

So, first impressions said, it was the additional information that turned me off, such as being VERY straight edge until recently. She's just discovering what it's like to be very drunk and she makes some not-so-good decisions while she is drunk, and then doesn't remember. Bah! Turns out the girl has lots and lots of guys who are interested in her (which, for some reason, I find to be an immediate turn off. Not because I'm afraid of competition, but if there are a lot of guys who like her, and she doesn't choose any of them, I think this may mean she's a tease).

While I don't think she would think she's a tease, I do, and that's the biggest turn off at all. Rather two faced if I might say. Sort of, "I'll show you affection now cause it feels good, but, by the way . . . I'm not interested in any relationship, and I'm not very good at them." WHOA, there's yer sign!!!!

Good-bye lady. The interesting thing is, not only am I turned off from a relationship point of view, but I really don't want to be friends with this person either. To be honest, it does not make me feel good to be around her. She may be a nice girl someday, but now, it seems that one of the few things she's got going for her in the relationship department is that she's good looking.

In the past I may have pursued a relationship and got a lot of suffering out of it (the masochistic side of me), but I've chosen not to do that, and instead just stick with the feeling of being incredibly disappointed because this person is not at all who I thought she was.

Hey, thank god I found out now and not much later. That, my friends, is a blessing.

I welcome comments on any current or past relationships that are remotely like this one. It's interesting to see how people can "see what they want to see" when they want someone to be somebody that they want them to be. Whoa, did that make sense? That is to say, in my case, I met this person and had my impressions, and then had a model in my mind that I continually tried to fit her to, and yet she was the square peg that most certainly did not fit in the round hole.

Maybe I'm being revolutionary about this, but one of the biggest turn-offs I find is a woman who wants to display intimate affection to many different people without making any sort of committment to any of them. I'm not talking marriage or any sort of tangible committment here, but more of an emotional one. BIG TURN OFF.

On a lighter note, I've got a great date to Ben's wedding. Go me.

Thanks for all your comments, keep 'em comin.

And I've answered my own question

2004-07-21T00:47:00.000-04:00

So, I have a question that will hopefully be answered thoughtfully. I met someone a few weeks ago that I really liked. I think I wrote a bit about her. Anyhoo, it turns out that as I got to know this person just a little, I really don't want to be around her, nor do I want to be her friend.

Does anyone else have this experience? Meeting someone whom you like and see a lot of potential with, and then realizing that you really don't care for them at all? Now, I understand why I liked this person, it's just that the additional information I've gathered has really turned me off.

Now that I type it out, it doesn't seem to foreign. Respond if you like, but I guess I'm just talking about getting to know somebody.

L'oncle : randomnimityness

2004-07-19T20:45:00.000-04:00

I am officially an uncle. My brother's wife gave birth to their first child last thursday. He's a hungry little guy.

It's 8:11. Just thought I should write more.

I'm going to my friend Ben's wedding this weekend. I'm the best man. I've been working on writing out my speech.

I'm listening to flloyd. Nice.

I drove over 500 miles this weekend. In my uncomfortable truck.
I'm doing it again this weekend. uuggghh. I was hoping for company.

I don't like Chicago. As a city, it's got stuff to do, but as far as having been to many other cities, chicago can bite my duck. That's right.

I'm moving out in 3 weeks if I can help it. Hoping to live with my
Aikido teacher.

Nicole is a big fat liar.

I thought alcohol brought out the truth? Silly rabbit.

I cut my hair. Well, Marcus did, but now it's a lot shorter. I kind of miss it, but not really, cause I'm hot.

and modest.

that's how I like my coffee.

I just told the president to fuck off. But, he probably didn't here me cause he's in D. C.

Keep yer powder dry.

all while smoking a roach

2004-07-12T16:14:00.000-04:00

If I were some other place, looking at all of us, watching our leaders and the followers . . . I think I could have a good laugh. However, sometimes I look at the authority in our country and I find I feel sad for those people.

On a completely different note: I had a good saturday night. An out of the ordinary night, but a good one nonetheless.
I met the boss and got to partake in one of his finely rolled blunts, T H Deeeecilious.

This is boring, I'm out.